BBC "News" ticker

Fin.

The BBC need to start taking this seriously

I just received an email from the BBC.  Whoever saw my complaint obviously decided to have a bit of fun.  

The response I received appears to be their standard response to complaints about Mr Brand and Mr Ross's actions; I was complaining about the BBC's actions!  I can only assume that my name has been added to the list of 27,000 idiots who are told by the red tops what is and is not acceptable.  

Touché BBC, touché; but be assured that this will not stand.

To really put the icing on the cake, the comedy genius who signed it off did so with a fake name:

Regards

Paul Kettle
BBC Complaints

This isn't over "Kettle", not by a long chalk.

The BBC

As you know, I'm no fan of the BBC but their actions in the last few days have been utterly incoherent.  As such I have written them a letter of complaint which I am now publishing here.  If any response is forthcoming I shall post that also.

Dear Sir/Madam,

Whilst checking the day's news on your "news" website, I noticed that Mr Russell Brand and Mr Jonathon Ross had been suspended from the BBC and that their respective shows will not be airing until "Manuel-gate" has been fully investigated.

Before I go on to ask a handful of questions about the substance of this matter I would first like to ask whether the above is an accurate picture of the situation.  Given the gigantic inaccuracies and bias in your news output it would be remiss of me to go accusing you of gross stupidity before checking whether you're merely guilty of the usual gross ineptitude and partisan outlook.

Now, on to the matter at hand.  I would very much like to listen to the Russell Brand radio show on Saturday evening.  As things stand it will not be airing.  To whom can I apply for a refund of this portion of my licence fee?

Secondly, I purchased my television licence under the impression that at the very least the Russell Brand show would not suddenly be taken off the air.  Given that this has not been the case I do wonder if it can be deemed a breach of contract on your part.  Could you please point me in the right direction of the appropriate public body to help me in this matter?

Thirdly, I would like to ask what the terms of Mr Brand and Mr Ross's contracts are with regards to suspensions and dismissals.  Clearly it would be inappropriate for a body such as the BBC to have either of these performers on contracts that cannot be cancelled outright in cases of gross misconduct- this could easily lead to a situation whereby the BBC is paying money to someone who it believes to be pernicious.

Fourthly I would like to ask quite what aspect of this situation warranted the suspension of the two gentlemen in question 11 days following the broadcast of the material (and, I believe, 13 days following the recording of it).  With this type of delay it is clear that either:

a) the substance of the events is not the problem or, 

b) the BBC is unable to deal with events that are substantively unacceptable within a reasonable period of time.

Which of these two is the case?

Assuming the answer to the above is a) I would like to know what outside of the substantive events could have caused the suspension.

Assuming the answer to the above question is b) I would like to ask how the BBC intends to rectify its inability to deal with substantively unacceptable events.  It seems to me that you've had 86 years in which to get this right and have failed in a rather comprehensive matter.  As such I would like to offer the services of my consultancy agency Alpha Dog Consulting Ltd in reforming the BBC into the organisation it ought to be.  I am happy to do this for free as long as you agree that the option of the BBC being totally disbanded remains on the table and is treated with an even hand.

These are all the questions that I have but I would just like to make one final comment.  The suspension of Mr Brand and Mr Ross from your programming is reprehensible, coming as it does at this late stage. Had you deemed the material unsuitable for broadcast at the time and suspended them that would be fine.  Had the material been broadcast and then the suspension taken place I would have no problem.  Waiting this long is merely kow-towing to the so-called moral majority, whipped, as they are, into an orgiastic frenzy of affected outrage by the mainstream media, of which you yourselves are a part.

Yours faithfully,

Bardardo Millionaire, PhD, MD

Why is Ortiz so happy?

Because he likes getting his face jizzed on.

Fin.

Why do I always have to be the one to point things like this out?

The BBC have a story with the headline:

Unpaid servant lived in cupboard

I'm going to go ahead and say it because I'm not sure anyone else has the stones- legally she was not unpaid. The benefit in kind of a warm place to live just happened to constitute all of her salary.

Charles 'The Franchise' Clarke

We all know Charles Clarke is a pro'. Alas his pro-ie-ness is not what I would like to post on today. The first piece of news on the BBC 'news' website today is to do with Charles Clarke. It is entitled:

Clarke issues fresh Brown warning

Is it just me who wishes that the above sentence had a comma between 'fresh' and 'Brown'?

An Open Letter to Phil Clarke

Dear Mr Clarke,


I am a long-time viewer, first-time writer. I have always considered you the most eloquent and well-reasoned of all Rugby League pundits.

However, I have been compelled to write to you after watching your latest appearance on the popular Sky Sports show 'Boots 'N' All'. Last night you remarked that performance in the National Leagues has improved "10 or 20 percent".

Now, as a true League fan, I fully understand what you mean and agree with you. However, a minor acquaintance of mine, Barnardo Millionaire, is convinced that you made up that particular stat and are, in his words, "chatting shit".

So, as a highly paid and respected pundit, I am sure you are willing to send us the fruits of your research to back up your claim. In order to shut up Dr Millionaire we will need the following.

i) A definition of how the 'performance' metric is calculated.
ii) A spreadsheet/pivot table of this year's 'performance' versus last years.
iii) Perhaps a small article explaining the differences between the two.

I look forward to your response.


Yours faithfully,


Dibbles

More BS

So much shittiness, so little time

ESPN.com article on September in baseball.

WILL THIS METS-PHILLIES SAGA HAVE A DIFFERENT ENDING?

I don't know, probably.

Jayson Stark breaks it down for me

Here's the record of these teams in games decided after the sixth inning (meaning the score was tied after six, or the lead changed): Phillies 31-15, Mets 11-22. Nobody we've talked to thinks that stat is an aberration.
"One part of it, obviously, is the difference in bullpens," one scout said. "But the other part of it is heart. I love the Phillies' grit.

I can see how bullpens would make a difference, schedule and injuries to key players may make a bigger one. Obviously grit and heart the biggest.

I Call BS

Wilkin's Player Profiles

There is no way Cunningham weighs 'only' 16st. The man is a cube.

News Corp let me down again!

I've been worrying about the distinct lack of quality of Times leaders for a while. However the second paragraph in today's piece entitled

Australia: Dingoland

is particularly special

The trouble with wilderness, as they see it, is that when you get there, there is no there there.

I stopped reading after that. It's like they just don't care anymore.

Speaking of not caring anymore, the hand of Sky Sports has touched Steve Kirby, after Patel and Bopara last year, and Napier in the first half of this year. Steve Kirby has been touted for England after two good performances on TV.

During yesterday's game Nick Knight was thrilled about him and detailed to us how Steve Kirby is a quick learner and has obviously matured, but still has a few things to learn (hot to bowl a yorker, mix up his lengths etc.)

You would be forgiven for thinking Kirby was a 21 year old firebrand. But he is 31 in a month! He has played 98 first class games! What about that makes you think he has learnt anything? Why should he play for England? What has possessed Nick Knight?

Nick Knight also masturbated over Eoin Morgan and his "array of shots" (I'm pretty sure he can only play a really shitty pre-meditated sweep and nothing else). However I will let that pass as he is at least young.

N.B. I love Steve Kirby and his awesome ball-tampering ways, this is meant as a knock to Verity more than anything else.

Joy to the world...

Bopara is dropped. Hopefully that's the last we see of that talentless little piss stain.

That is all.

Sophie's Choice '08: America Decides

This update from the world of American politics; identikit Fox News woman (I can't tell them apart other than Edith Ann Tarbox) talking about polling for the election:

In the latest poll released after Sen. Joseph Biden was chosen as the VP nominee for the Democrats, Sen Barack Obama and Sen John McCain are literally neck-and-neck

I'm unsure if this is some sort of mating ritual or perhaps a prelude to some sort of fight to the death over the presidency. Either way, I'm not sure it matters as neither would manage a four year term without dying in office- they might as well finish each other off now (or at least in time for Gov. Huckabee to get the Republican nomination next week).

Getting it Right?

The DUP, yet again, are so close.


From their website:





Obviously their commitment to accuracy only goes so far. Apostrophes are a tool of papal authority, or something, and are absent from the party's website.

And the winner is...no one

No one indeed. For the 29,811th day in a row, we are all losers.

The BBC are at it again. At least this time their amateurism fits in- it's the Olympics.

Two marvellous instances of what can only be described as retartdism this morning. First, the men's 100m freestyle final (that's two lengths of front crawl swimming to you and me). This link will take you to the iPlayer recording of the race.

This is the commentary 1.57 in:

Aiden (whoever he might be): He got it, well, [sarcastically] comfortably; by enough.
Commentator 2: By 11 one-hundredths, Aiden.
A: That's enough
C2: Miles
A: That's nearly a tenth

Speaks for itself. I will add nothing.

The other moron moment on the BBC this morning was that Scottish bint (I think she's called Hazel Irvine but I'm not totally sure) saying that someone was:

Literally hounded

I think she was wrong. They are however in Beijing so there's no way to be certain.

In Defence of Development Aid

I am the archetypal free-marketeer. I make no apologies for being right, never have done and never will do. However there is one area where I believe development aid and government intervention is in my best interests.

Northern cities 'beyond revival'

This think-tank tells a familiar tale, and I think we are all aware that development money fails in its initial goal. I don't think after 25 years of 're-development' Liverpool (as an example) is any more livable or has many more opportunities than before. Most of these are structural, the things that made Liverpool grow simply no longer exist, pumping in random amounts of money isn't going to help that.

On a simple free-market basis you can claim therefore that people should be told the facts and encourage them to move to the South-East.

This is where I have a problem, people do know the facts. Myself and many like me have already moved to London from relatively depressed areas to seek out opportunities. The people who do this are usually educated and ambitious (I'm excluding myself from these criteria). So what's left in Liverpool and cities like it? Functional illiterates and crack-addicts? Why would I want them down here, never mind encourage them to make the move?

My argument therefore is that the North acts like a giant open-prison but at a mere fraction of the cost (Nothing is worth nicking up there anyway). If the population of Liverpool (436,100) moved down to London they would almost certainly wind up in prison, and it would cost £14,342,456,800 to house them all (at £32,888 p.a.). Regional development aid is a lot cheaper than that, and I haven't even started on Manchester yet (anyone from Salford would be in a high-security unit).

I say, if they are happy up there away from us, and we are willing to save money on prisons to subsidise them then let's carry on (plus they bring a ready supply of me for our armed-forces).

Fancy a Laugh?

Oi! Dr Millionaire! Dibbles here, can I nominate Daily Mail readers for the prestigious "What a load of cunts!" award? Namely the morons who list comments on their fabled website?

I enjoyed this typical Daily Mail article.

You know the sort of thing, white elderly man bemoans falling standards. Good honest fare. However, what made the article for me were the 51 (and counting) comments also bemoaning falling standards in grammar and spelling in public life.

An example...

Anyone can make a mistook............., though not as many as the judges in their sentencing of the criminals.
- Dave, cambs, 12/8/2008 7:48.

The best one, of course, goes to my old friend of Charles Edward Taylor of Corby (and one presumes via Liberia).

I am astounded by the lack of simple skills in people who have jn many cases received higher education and in some, univarsity,the use of language is the only way of communicaring and should be presented correctly, Well done the Judge!.
- charles edward taylor, corby, northamptonshire, 12/8/2008 7:54

You could argue that 51 Mail readers have taken it on themselves to be highly amusing by littering every comment with spelling and grammatical errors. That, or Mail readers are stupid fucking cunts. I know which one sounds more plausible.

So do they win?

The first recipient of the "what a bunch of cunts" award

A lot of people really like the BBC. Old folks especially see it as a venerated, distinguished institution, a bit like the NHS (in that is outdated and quite literally worse than useless I suppose).

I was reading a piece on the climax of the final test against South Africa (quite what the fuck the final test is doing finishing on the 11th August is beyond me- astonoshing) and came across this paragraph:

Morne Morkel, who, like Forrest Gump, was revealed to be suffering from an injury to the buttock, was fast and hostile but mostly erratic.

What in the name of all that is good and holy is this shitty paragraph doing in a piece of so called professional journalism? Not only does a joke (and I can only assume it is a joke of some sort, despite being about as funny as the Holocaust) have absolutely no place here, I have shitted funnier things than that. I am being utterly literal. I have actually shitted things that are much more amusing than this piss poor exscuse for a piece of journalism.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I remind you that we are paying for someone to write this drivel thanks to the unique way the BBC is funded (i.e. the atavistic communist-style television tax).

What a bunch of dim-witted, cock-sucking, morose, up their own arse, public school, Trotskyite cunts they are.

Not News: Issue 3

You may very well be asking yourself "does Barnardo only ever read the BBC 'News' website for news and current affairs, it's all he ever seems to comment on?".

I can see where you're coming from. I do post predominantly about stories from the BBC 'News' website. This however does not represent the amount of time I spend reading the BBC site but rather the relative utter shittness of BBC 'News'.

One of the things that riles me most is when they report on things that do not constitute news, particularly when they proceed to put that 'news' in their ticker.

I am well riled. Have a look at this:



And this link to the story above.

I'm going to be totally honest with you, I haven't read this story. Instead of reading the latest news on kids being nasty to each other, I'm off to read about the stirrings of World War 3 over in Georgia or perhaps something to do with the human rights abuses of the host country of the Olympic Games, China.

Or maybe I'll just go and have a shit. Who knows?

Wristy

Has anyone else noticed that in cricket, being described as 'wristy' is a euphemism for being of Asian origin, and that you must automatically play spin well?

A great example from Cricinfo

Jonty is right, Hamla (I like to combine first initials with last names) is much 'wristier' than the others (closest one to him in wristiness is probably Ashwell Prince, but not really). He is also unlike any other SA batsman, probably because he is the first test batsman of Indian origin.

I'm sure Jonty has lots of wristy friends though.

I'll pick up some more examples later

Hello sample-size

Ahh, the BBC. This is about three Welsh Assembly Members (AMs) who have been raped (or as the BBC would have it 'raped', are they quoting or sceptical?).

A survey was sent to all 60 AM's by Plaid Cymru AM Nerys Evans. Eight responded. Of those who responded, three reported having been raped.

Even before any further information I would say that perhaps a response rate of 13% of the population in question is not enough to draw conclusions.

Ms Evans had comment to make:

[the survey result] just shows how widespread violence against women and domestic abuse is.

Absolutely, Ms Evans. This is conclusive proof that 37.5% of the population and 42.9% of women (for seven of the eight respondents were female) have been raped. I will now be quoting these figures in relation to sex crimes.

I don't disagree that the results seem surprising and I strongly suspect that they're not too out of whack with national statistics done in a 'rigorous' way (they ain't that rigorous, they're government stats) but there is no way in hell that any conclusion can be drawn from this survey.

Having said that, is it possible that only eight of the 60 AMs can read and write? it would explain a great deal.

Phil Clarke breaks it down for me

Half-time at the Leeds/Quins match.

Phil Clarke offers his insight as to why run-away league leaders Leeds are behind

"Leeds are physically losing the enthusiasm battle"

Quite.

Ian Smith (not that one)

I'm running a competition for the most ridiculous commentator (this is a competition taking place purely within the confines of my mind).

So, yeah, Ian Smith. The Test series has just finished and he was pretty ridiculous in getting ultra-defensive at any perceived slight on New Zealand or whatever he took a fancy at.

There is no humour in this man. I assumed he would have been shipped off for the 20/20 at Old Trafford, but, like a bad rash, he is always there. This little exchange took place with Bumble (N.B. not necessarily verbatim).

Bumble and Ian Smith are discussing Luke Wright

Bumble: He's a big strong lad, bats well at the top of the order and bowls a good pace. A good medium-fast pace actually [last ball bowled 86.7mph].

Smith: So you're telling me this guy's going to earn mega-bucks, or so I've been told, and Andrew Strauss is sat at home, a guy who can bat for days and days, score ton after ton.

Bumble: Well they have just increased the bonuses for Test matches so everybody's happy.

Smith: I'd be annoyed if I were him

Bumble (aware Smith is missing the point of family fun 20/20): Lend us a fiver Luke.

I'm being harsh on Smith as the Sanford 20/20 thing is big news, but he speaks as if this news has just come accross via telegram. He did it all throughout the test series, and it is wearing thin

These experts are in place to shed light on something or to add a dash of colour. Smith adds nothing but 'gravitas'.

Anyway the point is 20/20 gets more money because everyone loves it and only about 12 people like Test matches (including myself). Strauss shouldn't be annoyed, he should be thankful he gets to play a game for money and practice his golf swing for the limited overs stuff

Fin.


P.S. Nass is alleging the Kiwis are still in 50 over mode. How??

P.P.S. Flynn has just come to the crease and Nass is advising Swann should bounce him.

Can I ask you to sign for this package, sir?

I really hope they checked the cupboard before they started deliberating.

Ahh, idiots

On a day that's near unprecedented in UK politics, with a frontbencher resigning to fight a by election on a single issue, it's good to know it's business as usual with the idiots of the country.

In this BBC "News" article the story of a man who chose to heckle David Cameron because of the failings of the NHS is told. He is said to have uttered (after very rudely interrupting the Right Hon. DC) "The public have paid billions for the health service. The people of this country are fed up with empty words".

That's as maybe but I'm pretty sure David Cameron isn't PM. In fact is he even in the Government? Isn't he in some sort of "opposition" to the Government?

Moron. My other point here is essentially that this guy being an utter cunt is not news.

That is all.

A return to the land of blog

I haven't been posting on here at all for some time now. In truth I have been too distraught following the election for London Mayor which meant that yet another white man would be Mayor of London. Crackergate fans: See you in 2012.

I have been lifeless and devoid of energy since the Mayoral election, nothing has moved me to blog- not a Superhero on Harriet Harman's roof, nor the gigantic Tory victory in Crewe and Nantwich. Neither the shocking BBC election night coverage of the locals and Mayoral, nor the LHC at CERN being brought online and about to destroy us all.

The sun is shining again in my life though and it's all thanks to the BBC and the po-lice. BBC "News" have published an article about the shooting of a po-lice in Manchester on a training exercise yesterday. Read it.

It was training, it was play acting, it wasn't even real but those heroes showed the stones needed to get the job done in today's increasingly dangerous environment. In the clutch they killed one of their colleagues because he was pretending to be a criminal. If we can just see this approach rolled out onto the streets we'll either end up with a lot of dead criminals (sweet) or a lot of dead po-lice (sweet).

This is a game-changer for Gordon Brown. Fuck 42 days detention without charge: 0.42 of a second before discharge all up in someone's face, and I do mean with a gun.

Brazilian electricians, Mancunian po-lice, your days of ruling our streets are over.

Government Agency acts to cut price of tobacco

I'm very surprised to hear that OFT cares about 'price - coordination' in the cigarette market. If the industry is bumping up the price, why should anyone care? It should be bottom of the list of priorities. However, i digress.

What interested me were the statements in response to the allegations.

Imperial Tobacco said it "takes compliance with competition law very seriously and rejects any suggestion that it has acted in any way contrary to the interests of consumers".

and

Tesco said that "the OFT's investigation appears to centre on major tobacco companies. We do not believe that Tesco has acted in a way that has harmed consumers and we will make this clear to the OFT when we see the details of their allegations".

Don't strike me as particularly vehement denials, in fact I don't think they are denials at all. I'm sure this is usual in such cases.

Almost too good to be true. Almost.

Just when I said I didn't think BBC "News" were providing any ammunition today they surpass even themselves.

Following (as the Evening Standard put it) the "Brown retreat" of yesterday (10p tax rate etc), BBC "News" have put up an article about the art of the U-turn. They site President George Bush 41's famous "no more taxes" quote. There's a little bit of a factual error however:

We all know of course that not only did President Bush 41 not run for President in 1998 but there wasn't even a general that year, just mid-terms. Oops.

Anyway, I'm just off to point out to the BBC that they need to do a u-turn and correct the piece. Will post the correction to complete the BBC's embarrassment just as soon as the change has been made.

UPDATE: embarrassment complete:

Matt Dawson's View

... is insightful

Have your say

I really quite fancied writing a blog post today but found myself running short on material. even the usually (un)reliable BBC "News" let me down.

Then I decided to look at the BBC "News" "Have your say" page re today's teachers' strike. The first post?

I am a student at New College on a (sic) As level course, and i (sic) believe that the strike will not a (sic) effect (sic) me. Yes i (sic) do have exams in 3 weeks but its (sic) only one day. i (sic) doubt it will effect the outcome of my results (outcome of my results? sic). Pupils complaining that its (sic) 'morally Wrong (sic)' and its (sic) a "critical point in my education". If it bothers them that much do revision by themselves, do past exam questions. There are plenty of revision websites on the internet.
Joshua Egglestone, Durham

11 errors of spelling, punctuation and grammar in an 86 word (as Stevo would say) stanza (N.B. counting this as 86 words includes giving him credit for spelling his own name and home town correctly- genorous, if anything).

Joshua, I think you need all the teaching you can get in the next three weeks, you seem to be some sort of moron.

I began losing the will to live at this stage and did give some consideration to taking my eyes out with a Pret a Manger red plastic spoon. Instead I read on and came across this beauty:

Why is everyone talking about how much teachers earn? I thought the strike was over the effect pay cut they are getting because inflation exceeds their basic pay rise by a significant amount?
Pete, Hadleigh

I'm glad I continued reading. Pete, you're right. The amount teachers earn and the amount they get paid following their pay rise are independent variables.

Someone tell the NUT, Pete from Hadleigh's blown this situation right out of the water.

Proctor-ologist Report

Scotty, Scotty, Scotty.

You've only made two appearances in the last week and your ERA has gone up to 9! Obviously you are no longer Torre's favourite. Still there is plenty of time for you to pick up the pieces and reclaim your title as chief bitch. Torre isn't too picky, after you were traded last season he relied on Farnsworth (a man who apparently throws behind people's heads by accident).

However, the man who has a face so beautiful it could stop a clock has not picked on my man Broxton either, what the fuck is going on?

I'll get to the bottom of this. I refuse to accept he is sharing the workload around in an appropriate manner. Stay tuned fans of serious career-threatening injuries! I will find an answer!

NHS Problems due to Heartless Machines

Claire Rayner knows the problem with socialised medicine

There were certainly no computers and monitoring machines, however useful.

But what nurses had mattered even more — for these machines do their work without heart.

Heartless machines! She doesn't expand on the many problems with heartless machines, I imagine they are many though.

Furthermore the standard of Nurses is slipping!

She [Matron] interviewed every applicant — investigating her attitudes, morals, intelligence and performance at matriculation (yesterday's GCSEs and A-levels) without putting them before such qualities as patience and kindness. Now all a would-be student needs is the requisite A-levels for university.

I would like to put my hand up and say I would rather someone was trained to a high standard than was kind, kindness won't resuscitate me if I lose consciousness etc. etc.

Oh well

Morons: Have your say!

I love the BBC.

Why are they trying to get angry comments from angry people? Amusement? Wagers?Whatever the reason Lorraine from Southampton wades in on the prickly issue of 10p tax

As a 44 year old single parent who works full time but has to claim Working Tax Credit to survive, I have been striving to improve my situation by getting re educated inorder to get a better job. Whats the point, I'm penalised every step of the way. I will never earn the kind of money that will enable me to live without claiming benefit! Call this a labour government....must be joking, they have lost my vote. Don't think I'll vote for anyone again, no one ever benefits me!

First of all I would ask for my money back from all this 'reeducation'.

Secondly, how is she being penalised? By having a tax credit? I don't understand. Seems like she is getting plenty of benefits.

Neil from Basingstoke agrees with her though.

For somebody, alledgedly, so financially astute, Mr Brown can be extremely slow... To abolish the 10p tax band and penalise the lowest earners, when we currently have so many people being paid obscene salaries and bonuses, is both cowardly and arrogant - and yet so typical of New Labour. Why not levy a super tax band of 70+p in the £ for earnings over £1M a year, and be bold, instead of cosying up to the very people he is trying to favour. Maybe his auto-biography contract beckons !!!!!

Yes of course, levy a super-tax! No problems can occur can they? People who earn over a million will have no other option but to pay back they money they stole from us. That will show the bastards.

Anon from Anon solves the problem though.

It really is quite simple.If people who work for company cannot afford to live on the wage they are earning they should be able to sue the company for 10 times the wage of the CEO. Companies should pay their workers properly and a living wage. Of course its political suicide to - Oh hold on no it isn't business owners account for a very small % of the electorate. So no election risk whatsoever! Job DONE!

How many people will take on employees if you could sue them? I think Anon is mentally deficient.

Just like a Gordon Ramsey recipe - done!

"Imagine there's no morons, it's easy if you try"

I have no problem with this story from the Evening Standard about polling for the Mayoral election. However, I came across it via the less-useless-than-expected Politics Home website.

Politics Home are linking to the story with the following headline:

Mayoral race could be decided on second preference votes

No fucking shit Politics Home. That is not news. In it's long and storied history (see posts labelled "Crackergate 2008" for more on the countless previous contests) the mayoral race has only ever been decided on second preference votes.

Physicians, heal thyselves (if you can)

It's like shooting fish in a barrel (which is something I would be very interested to try- if anything I'd have thought you'd just end up with the barrel leaking water onto your feet- I digress) but I cannot resist.

All week I've been seeing news items about changes to consumer law that will affect (amongst a great many others) spiritual healers, mediums (is the plural here mediums or media?), psychics, tarot card readers etc. I've resisted up until now but it's the end of the week so I'm going to in order to give myself satisfaction and release I'm going to shoot all over them (the fish. In the barrel).

Reuters (much more fancy and reputable than that dirge over at BBC "News") have a piece about this entitled (and credit to them):

Psychics foresee big trouble over new laws

The main objection these folks wish to make, it would seem, is that the burden of proof that what they do is legit is now on them. Bascially they're saying that if they promise to heal someone they should actually have the ability to heal someone. Much like if I were to try and sell you The Ritz, I would first have to own it.

Carole McEntee-Taylor who co-founded the Spiritual Workers Association (a trade union for spiritualists and healers- if only two wrongs made a right) says:

By repealing the Act, the onus will go round the other way and we will have to prove we are genuine

Well done Caroline, didn't even need to heal your own brain to understand that one did you, you big retard?

She then says:

No other religion has to do that

Caroline, I don't know whether you're an excellent con artist or just a massive flid but there is little doubt that it's one or the other.

I know what you're thinking. What did that bastion of never ever completely missing the point, the British Humanist Association have to say about all this?

The psychic industry is huge and lucrative and it exploits some very vulnerable, and some very gullible, people with claims for which there is no scientific evidence

They may be morons but they're right this time. However I'm pretty sure that a lot of the time government takes action regardless of evidence.

Question of the Week

Front page on the New Yorker website. This question has been bothering me for years.

There's poetic licence and there's taking the piss

Cunningham fit?


Apparently...must have been the first time in 13 years

"We're the BBC and we adore being mocked"

Ahh BBC "News" it seems every day I have to correct some ridiculous piece of English or misinformation, even when I'm spending every waking hour further investigating Crackergate 2008.

This article contains a case in point.

The piece is about the use of the internet in the London Mayoral election. It contains the sentence:

In a close-run contest in which every vote will count, the prize might just go to the candidate who makes the best use of (the internet).

Now this is a close contest and while I am a scientist, I am not a politicial scientist. Having said that, I'm pretty sure that every vote counting is traditional in all UK elections (including ones for the histoic position of London Mayor).

Scott-Watch Update

Hi there Proctor fans,

Scott has been quiet of late, since his awesome 4 run/1 IP outing on the 7th of April he has only appeared twice for 2/3 and 1/3 inning (and with gaps between these and everything).

This is really hurting him, he is only projected to appear in 69 games this year as well (tee hee)

At least he is still tied for third in complete games in the NL. We'll always have that baby.

Bah, I'm depressed, white Mayors, Scott Procotr used sensibly, what's the world coming to? Unless Joe Torre has a new bitch? Of course, that must be it! These trends take a little time to filter through, but I have a feeling that Mr J. Broxton is about to pre-book TJ surgery for sometime late August.

Let me break it down for you Maury, this my thinking

Throws right-handed,

Throws a ton of strikes,

Promising future that can be horrifically curtailed by poor management,

Pitching one inning or more over consecutive evenings.

All I need know is an amusing title for Broxton Watch, watch this space...

The BNP are giving crypto-communist racist politics a bad name

I am stunned to my very core at the wonder that is this story from Andrew Gilligan of the London Evening Standard.

The story covers the BNP's party list for the upcoming Mayoral elections (which, in the wake of "Crackergate 2008: Whitey wins again", I find myself blogging about almost constantly). If I was to blog about everything in this article that I find amusing I would be here for a very long time.

I cannot stress this enough go read the whole article, it is a joyous thing.

We know we're in for something pretty amusing when we see the title:

BNP picks psychic and a gay porn director as candidates

Alas I will have to attach to the above (sic) as it seems to inconsistent in terms of tenses.

Anyway, it gets better and better.

Firstly, there is a little bit on the recent controversy where Mr Nick Eriksen (Scandinavian name) described rape as a myth. When this story emerged originally it was a little underreported as a result of the mainstream media being frightened of the BNP. Because of this, I only now become aware of this quote:

Some women are like gongs - they need to be struck regularly

Fabulous. Just fabulous.

Next up is Chris Forster (the name Forster has three distinct origins- English, German and Jewish). Mr Forster works as a full-time psychic. This however is not the only job he is qualified for:

He promotes himself as "the only qualified internal auditor and accountant working full-time as a psychic"

First of all- awesome. Secondly I am fucking glad I have never had to work anywhere near a psychic fucking auditor. That would be a right cunt.

Later in the article there are two other beautiful mentions of Herr Forster's occupation, first:

Mr Forster is also described as "the regular tarot and crystal ball reader on Sky TV's Mystic Challenge", a game show where three mystics try to divine a secret about a hidden mystery guest

This is only mildly amusing. Primarily I am excited out of my gourd about this game show. It might just be me, I've been known in the past to get over-excited about something others find to be odd or dull but this frankly sounds like the greatest game show in the history of the world.

The other mention of Mr Forstein's occupations is this:

(BNP mayoral candidate, Richard Barnbrook was) asked if Mr Forster had ever foreseen a time in his crystal ball when Britain had no ethnic minorities, he said: "No, I don't think so. He's married to a Chinese woman."

No further comment needed on that.

Two more things to mention. The article reveals that Richard Barnbrook once directed what is termed a "gay porn film". Mr Barnbrook doesn't think it should be thought of as a gay porn film however. As far as he's concerned HMS Discovery was:

A film dealing with sexuality; it was not porn

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

The final point, the one that really punches home everything you ever need to know about the BNP is this. Lawrence Rustem (Turkish name) is of half Turkish origin. According to one of his colleagues he is allowed in the party on what I can only imagine is some sort of technicality outlined in there constitution. Mr rustem is allowed in because:

He is only half a wog

Indeed.

"Brown says economy is sole focus"

That's right folks, it's another BBC "News" article.

The article says:

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has said he understands people's fears over the economy and insisted that keeping it on track was his "sole focus"

Being as it is that GB's sole focus is the economy I will now detail some things that he consequently is paying absolutely no attention to and does not care about:

The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan
Children being abused
His own sexuality
The ever-increasing tax burden in the UK
The ailing NHS
British soverignty being passed to the EU
Madeline McCann
The tragedy of Mark Speight
The closure of "Planet Pizza", Battersea High Street (no doubt as a result of Government policy)
Puppies
Crime
The Socialist running London and the raft of Communists running to replace him
Crimes against humanity (including genocide, rape as a weapon of war and Season 5 of The West Wing)
The television ownership levy (AKA Television Licence Fee)
My children (unborn)
His own children (dead and alive)
Climate change
Scott Proctor being destroyed by Joe Torre
Crackergate 2008
The war on drugs
The widespread mispronunciation of Clostridium Difficile

Gordon Brown is a despicable human being. QED.

Crackergate '08: Whitey wins again

Ladies and gentlemen, today is a great day. The first ever scoop on this blog.

Loyal readers will be aware of our long-running support for Winston McKenzie as mayor of London. Following comments made by Mr McKenzie I have done some research and have come up with startling results.

In order for this story to be best picked up by the mainstream media I will be laying it out step-by-step in this blog post and emailing the link to the big UK newspapers so they can pick it up and run with it.

In order to make it as accessible as possible I have given the controversy a name and designed a banner that media outlets are welcome to use (provided I am duly credited with its creation). I am also in search of theme music for it. The controvery is hereby dubbed:

© Barnardo Millionaire 2008

The full title is Crackergate '08: Whitey wins again

Now, listen up newspaper editors. The first directly elected London mayor came to office in 2000. The following is a pie chart to show the controversy in very simple terms:

As you can see from the above, not only has there been no black mayor of London, but all of the mayors have been non-black. this is a scandal of epic proportions given the storied and historic nature of this job.

Hope is at hand however. The following chart shows the political affiliation of the holder of the post:

I'm sure you all have come to the same conclusion as I. With one Labour candidate and one independent in the race, Winston McKenzie has a 50% chance of destroying this caucasian monopoly to the good of us all.

Winston McKenzie's candidacy for mayor? Priceless

Mr Winston McKenzie is an independent candidate for the post of Mayor of London. He is the brother of Duke McKenzie, former three-weight world boxing champion, a man who believes left-handed boxers are automatically disadvantaged due to their predisposition to cut more readily in a fight.

Our old friends BBC "News" have written a profile on Winston McKenzie as part of their coverage of the London Mayoral election. They have done the same for the other 9 candidates.

Mr McKenzie's is the only profile I have read thus far. This is because I can guess what the others stand for:

Boris Johnson- Conservative Party- Free markets, free people and lots of money
Ken Livingstone- Labour Party- Back-breaking taxation of every type imaginable. Less pigeons.
Brian Paddick- Liberal Democrats- Communism
Richard Barnbrook- British National Party- Racist Communism
Sian Berry- Green Party- Communist racism
Alan Craig- Christian People's Alliance- God

Mr McKenzie's profile contains some absolute gems. It notes that his MySpace describes him as:

Writer, keep-fit instructor, educational motivator and modern-day philanthropist

As you can well imagine, given that he and I are so similar I am now inclined to vote for him. He goes on to destroy that rapport:

They say it's impossible. They say it can't be done. The truth is, London will see its first ever black mayor. The history books of politics shall be re-written

I have scoured the record books and opinion pages as research on the above statement. I can confirm that Mr McKenzie is completely correct, there has never been a black mayor in the history of London.

This seems pretty outrageous so I looked into it further and did some of my own research. Do you realise that this comes out to a percentage of 0% of mayors of London being black? Damning stuff.

In my research however I did only find one person mentioning the impossiblity of a black mayor of London, to whit:

BBC "News" profile of Winston McKenzie

Finally, I went back and counted how many mayors of London there have been to illustrate the depth of this problem, I also researched these "history books of politics" to see just what Mr McKenzie has to overcome in this election:

Number of mayors > 0
Number of black mayors =<>Life of mayoralty of London = 95 (months)

Google results for history books of politics = (about) 12,700,00 (in only 0.23 seconds, imagine if it had searched for a whole second!)

Mr McKenzie has a lot of rewriting to do once this grave injustice against black Londoners across the globe and across time has been righted.

Sentence of the Year 2008

It's a bit early for nominations, however I did like this beauty from Cricinfo. I'll write it in its entirety, it's pretty long.


Or ageing.


I'm old school, I think that a sentence should have some sort of subject and hopefully a verb.

Let the nominations commence!

Snatch Agony

This has to be deliberate, bravo all the same to the fine person who edits the Daily Star. I assume Mercedes from Hollyoaks can sympathise as her sex-addiction story is prominently displayed next to it.

Proctor-ologist: Number 2

Joe Torre needs to pull his finger out if our Scotty is going to pitch a 100 game season, so far he has only pitched in four games leaving him a projected 93 for the year.

He did give up four earned runs with one inning of work last night though, I sense Torre may need to stop pitching him in consecutive nights.

Guts and Grit > Talent and Skill

Mick Cleary previews this weekend's big game between Ospreys and Saracens

Kris Chesney stays true to Saracens

If there is one reason why the odds might be overturned on Sunday and Saracens win through against the form side in Europe, then it has to reside in blokes like Chesney. Blokes with guts and grit. Blokes motivated by mateship and a common cause. Blokes who are not in awe of opponents or lured by bright lights.

Repeat ad naseam

I'll let the material speak for itself.

Triple Century, Meaningless?

Rob Steen certainly thinks so, he's titled his latest article

The greatest insignificant innings

The first test between South Africa and India ended in a pretty tame draw and the only exciting part was probably Sehwags triple ton. Was it an innings of any significance though?

Rob casts his beady eye over the result

Ultimately, though, its status is diminished, albeit through no fault of the maker, by the context, ie. its impact on the match result.

I would say Sehwag's triple ton DID have an effect on the match, as only he and Dravid scored some runs, India would be looking at a heavy defeat after SA put up 540 first up. I know it is possible that one of Laxman, Ganguly and Tendulkar might have got some runs if India were in a more precarious position, but how do we know that?

I can not see how replying to a massive 1st innings total and posting over half the runs by yourself in reply is anything but significant.

Fear not! Rob Steen has some examples of what a significant innings is though. I've picked the first one to compare.

Atherton's 185 at the Wandereres in 1995

Opening Batsman? - Yes!

Rearguard action preventing defeat? - Yes!

Scoring a big ton? - Yes!

Responsible for over 50% of your teams runs? - Yes!

Playing against a great SA pace attack? - Yes!

Completely fucking different, obviously Athers was more significant.


Triple tons against an attack containing the best pace bowler in the world? Insignificant?

Brown on curry

Gordon Brown is calling for more people to be trained to work in curry houses.

If it's so important, why doesn't he fuck off and do it, the stupid one-eyed Presbyterian cunt?

It's a bit nitpicky but that's never stopped me before

Calamity Clegg's sexual exploits are in the news. Usually when this is the case with a prominent politician we're in for some entertainment. In this case, it being the Lib Dems, it's the same as with other political parties but many times more wet and a great deal more irrelevant.

However, I was struck by this paragraph in the BBC "News" Article covering the story.

(Lembit Opik) told BBC Radio: "Nick Clegg is actually living evidence that you can be a human being and a party leader"

Well, yes. I'd kind of assumed it was a prerequisite. I suppose if the Frankenstein Bill gets through Parliament we might have Man Frogs and all sorts as party leaders.

Daily Mail disables spell-check and grammar-check

Ouch! Let this be a lesson to never free-style headlines, double-checking never hurts anyone.

Northern Rock

Apparently "Rock pledges to repay taxpayers".

Well that's fucking big of them. How very generous they are.

The Opening

I am very excited as Summer is here, Cricket starts next week and Baseball is already upon us. Life does not get any better than this.

Yahoo gives me this nugget of information

Mar 31 OF Ken Griffey Jr. participated in his 20th Opening Day. New manager Dusty Baker congratulated him before the game and said, "Dude, that's a long, long time."

Dusty only had an 18 year career in the bigs, so I guess this is news. For future reference I expect some gravitas from my quotes, something that adds something to the non-news! Or, if they are Dusty quotes, something about being aggressive and swinging at pitches in the dirt, that sort of thing.

Also I am starting a "poor Scott Proctor can't get away from Joe Torre and rest his hurting right elbow, what the hell does he have to do to get a day off?" thread. I'm calling it

The Proctor-ologist: Scottwatch '08*

1st edition: 1 game, 1/3 IP.

Straight to work against the Giants on opening day, I would like to have kept him going through a couple of innings, just to tire him out. He walked a guy and didn't sound inspiring, however if I know Torre (and I like to think that I do) then this is the first of many short and not-so short outings! Hurrah!

I'll keep on writing and encouraging his use out of the bull-pen until he surpasses his seminal 2006 of 83 appearances and 102 1/3 innings pitched. Truely crazy shit.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*NB: I have amended this from

Proctor's Proctor 2008, which wasn't funny. Therefore all careful consideration of new names is now closed.

Congratulations to Barnardo Millionaire, a signed Nick Knight photo from 1996 is in the post.

Above their potential

Michael Atherton just said that Stephen Fleming enabled New Zealand to "play above their potential"

Magic

BBC taken over by children.

What the hell does this mean? Was it written by a child? The BBC is terrible sometimes. This is a large story on the main website and it upsets me greatly

Answers are here: fantastic proof that g(G)od exists

No need to worry, there is a one-stop resource if you need to dispute the claims of those pesky scientists.

http://www.everystudent.com/features/isthere.html

God exists because:

1. It's pretty damn convenient that the earth is juuuust right
2. The brain is ace; we can't explain it fully, therefore.....
3. If god doesn't exist, the alternative is random chance. Rolling two sixes is one thing, but spots appearing on a blank dice are something else. Convinced yet?
4. Loads of people believe there is god, can you say with certainty that you are right and they are wrong? (actually I can, hooray!)
5. God "pursues us". The reason that Richard Dawkins is always talking about god is because god wants to be discussed. God really like the limelight.
6. Buddha, Muhammad, Confucius and Moses identified themselves as prophets and never claimed to be equal to god. Jesus did

If that doesn't convince you, you're a fucking moron.

Found: one Stevo, free to loving home.

Stevo is back and in an argumentative mood after confidently calling a try during a video referral (that was declined by video referee Mr Steve Gansen).

I love Stevo, he always is so confident in his calls, something most commentators are too worried to do

He is getting a little heated and Eddie aggravates him some more.

Eddie: You could start an argument in an empty house

Stevo: Yeah, especially if you walked in

Agggh! I'm confused.

Earlier on in the day was the Hull derby and Bill is calling for Hull to take the one-pointer. Phil calms him down, by pointing out they were on the 40m line (in their own half).

Couldn't make it up...

Richard Littlejohn has, what many would consider, an unhealthy fascination with homosexuality. He may be trying to repress his true feelings, like pulling the hair of the girl you like when you are four years old. I don't know for sure, but i'm going to get to the bottom of it.

In his latest hard-hitting column

Along Tottenham High Road on Wednesday night, on the way to the Spurs/Chelsea game, I was struck by the large number of policemen wearing skin-tight leather trousers and buckled boots.
It looked like a Village People convention.
A friend tried to convince me this was the new uniform of the Territorial Support Group, but they turned out to be traffic cops drafted in for the big match.
Very fetching they looked, too.
And if Brian Paddick gets the mayor's job, they'll all be wearing them.

I'm no fan of the police, but having officers who ride motorcycles wear leathers is a wise move, you don't want them involved in high-speed car chases wearing flip-flops and bermuda shorts.

Apart from being a bit shitty and pointing out these men looked gay, he drops in a line about Brian Paddick being gay as well. Being gay he will dress all coppers in an apparently gay way, obviously. I like how much this adds to the 'story'.

He also drops in another thinly-veiled jibe at people who have had a public-school eduction and their interests. What the hell is wrong with this man?

We're going to hell in a handcart.

An Unprecedented Third Time for the First Time

The BBC should be closed down, i'm sick of reading crap like this

Never let it be said that Ken Livingstone lacks ambition. So convinced is he of his value to the people of London that he is attempting to win an unprecedented third term as the capital's mayor.

As the first directly elected mayor of London, once could argue that everything he does is unprecedented. Also is running for re-election a true show of ambition? Running in the first place, definitely. Running again? Maintaining the status quo is not ambitious.

The kids truly are our future

The BBC "News" "BBC News Magazine" is a wonderful source of pointless nonsense. When trawling through some of this nonsense I came across an article called How 'gay' became children's insult of choice.

The basis of this article is; children call each other names; most predominantly in the UK they call each other 'gay'.

My favourite thing about this article is a 'study' produced by the Association of Teachers and Lecturers. The study details the most used terms of insult as observed by teachers in British schools:

My main observation here is that this list does not include any of the following:

Mother Fucker
Cuntface
Shit-sucking ass goblin
Jock
Cum bucket

This makes me wonder if the kiddies are saving the best swears for when teacher's not around. In short, the survey is heavily skewed against the type of vicious, creative swearing I think we can all really get behind.

The next thing I particularly enjoyed in this article is that four of the paragraphs are based around quotes from Mr Tony Thorne. Mr Thorne purports to be a slang lexicographer. From what I can glean this means he's an expert in slang. I assume it's this that allows him the following killer insights into the topic:

(gay is) what we call a 'vogue' word, which is a fashionable word

Every generation grows up with a whole lexicon of homosexual insults, in my day it was 'poofter' or 'bender'

There is one contribution from Mr Thorne that really raises questions for me though.

I have interviewed scores of school kids about this...

So this guy basically hangs around outside schools (unverified fact) and talks filth to children (unverified fact) and (presumably) gets paid for it.

Does anyone know a good slang lexicographer? I really need to know what word is best applied to the above description of Mr Thorne's unorthodox activities.

Two things about this 'article' give me faith however. Firstly:

Gay lobby group Stonewall says 65% of young gay people experience homophobic bullying

It being as low as 65% would seem to be an absolute result for Stonewall. I was honestly backing it to be way higher.

Lastly, some schools introduced a scheme where some of the pupils would volunteer to be part of the scheme and would listen to and support bullied children. These pupils are called peer supporters. Amusingly, in one school:

...they were known as queer supporters

Aah, those children, God bless them, every one.

Daily Mail Health Scares pt 1

The Daily Mail is doing its best to ease strain on the NHS and not causing panic in the population with this headline.

I am really tired, but I assumed it was the six beers from last night. I'd better get myself checked out, stuff the GP Surgery, I'm off straight to A&E.

BBC - Accurate Reporting Continued

A horrible subject dealt with poorly by the BBC

Manchester police chief Michael Todd did not have a "huge" amount of alcohol in his body when he died, the coroner has said as his inquest began.

The snow-covered body of Mr Todd, 50, found on Snowdon on Tuesday, contained 105 milligrams of alcohol per 100 millilitres of blood.

The legal limit is 80 milligrams per 100 millilitres.

News to me that there was a legal limit. They say that knowledge is power though.

MIA: Mike 'Bright Eyes' Stephenson

When I go on Mastermind in Spring 2009 (not confirmed) I think i'm going to do my first specialist knowledge round on "The collected thoughts of Michael X. Stephenson". That'd be sweet and i've decided to watch Boots N All for some revision.

(As a quick note if I get through to the second round I will be using the medical works of Dr Terry "Ter-reh" O'Connor, the next one will be the inner workings of the Henry Hoover).

They start off discussing the 28 penalties awarded in the Warrington v Wigan game. Eddie isn't happy, are they reaching the damp depths of Rugby Union? Well they are showing the first penalty try of the year so maybe. However Eddie obviously doesn't have enough to do as he is very angry. Phil Clarke is trying to add calm him down, but according to Eddie "It was a two point ball-game". I suppose that means he can't award penalties as it could influence the result. Cue bemoaning the pressure on the referees, even though all the pressure comes from Eddie and Michael X. Stephenson.

The best part of last week's game, of course, was the perfect commentary after the tackle on Matt King. As he lay passed out with doctors applying a neck brace Terry opined (in all seriousness) "He'll be lucky to come back on"

Phil Clarke notes that what gets you to a Grand Final is "hassling, hustling and bustling!". He would make a great coach that man.

Quite frankly that all bores me, but it moves onto other areas. Such as will Warrington get a Super League licence? You may say yes and hit me for wasting your precious time, but Angela Powers is asking that very question.

First she looks at the awesome stadium that is Halliwell-Jones.

It boasts:

Clean Loos
Covered Seats
Standing areas

Swish and unfortunately worth pointing out when compared to other RL grounds

Then she looks to see if Warrington is solvent and funnily enough it is. This is such a massive waste of time, which I assume is the point. The conclusion is that they will get a licence, I am now starting a one man campaign to deny Warrington a licence to show up Angela. Nothing will give me greater pleasure than this (apologies to Adrian Morley).


The chairman of Warrington points out that they bring a lot to the competition and that this can not be overlooked 'We take a lot of fans to away games and clubs love playing us". This is, for those who don't know, the fabled thirteenth point that needs to be ticked even though it can not be measured and has not been detailed by the RFL. Can you imagine if the RFL used this as a reason for rejecting a team? I can and I can also imagine the law-suits. It is going to be sweet.

And that's it.


Hang on, where the fuck is Stevo? I've been sat watching complete and utter arse for an hour, just waiting for his piercing blue eyes, why else would I watch such crap? What a waste of fucking time.

The cricket will cheer me up, that's bound to be good.

Henry, Henry, Henry...

Of course this story caught my eye, why wouldn't it? If you prefer not to read the story (it is, after all, on The Telegraph online), I will now write a short narrative of the going's on from the point of view of the building contractor from the story.

[whistling to self, walking through staff canteen when locking up the building] Who is that foxy little fella over there? That cheeky grin, those bedroom eyes, that oh so inviting nasal tubing- hot stuff!!

Is that a name tag? It is, his name's Henry! Saucy!

What a bold little fella he is, he's been staring straight at me since I came in the room and we're the only ones here.

Should I go over? He's certainly inviting me with his eyes.

[moves closer, still looking into Henry's eyes]

You could cut the sexual tension in here with a knife- what a smouldering silence; he's still undressing me with those puppy dog eyes.

I'm going to touch him and hang the consequences, I can't keep my hands to myself (and the blood has certainly rushed away from my head!).

[fondles Henry's tubing]

Ooh Henry, it's so inviting. Do you want me to? Of course you do.

[zzzip]

[zoo-like noises, vaccuum cleaner noise]

[security guard enters]

Guard: Good Lord, does faithfulness mean nothing any more? We're finished Henry, FINISHED!!

Normal, if anything

As we can all agree is normal, whilst in the pub yesterday evening I got into a heated discussion about Barney. In case you don't know, the Barney I'm talking about is Barney T. Dinosaur from Barney and Friends. More helpfully, he's the big purple dinosaur fella.

Anyhoo, my colleague reckoned that Barney had two men inside him (so to speak) and I was arguing that there would be no point in him having two fellas in there, it would just make him really unwieldy and he's quite agile as 200 million year old dinosaurs go (of course we can't discount the fact that it might be two little people in there).

Anyhoo, I went onto Wikipedia this morning to see if I could find out how many men Barney can fit inside him at once (as Wikipedia is the source of all human knowledge). I was unable to find this piece of information (although I fully intend to claim I looked and it was one guy).

Anyhoo, when looking through some info on Barney I found this nuggety gem:

The music from Barney's theme has been used by interrogators at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba to coerce the detainees, with much success.

[citation needed], right? Wrong.

"In training, they forced me to listen to the Barney "I Love You" song for 45 minutes. I never want to go through that again," one US operative told (Newsweek) magazine.

Apparently he also has a black belt in Tae Kwan Do, who knew?

It might just be me, but...

I think in this article Brad Evans might be evincing the fact that he's a little closer to Johan Santana than is usual.

Johan Santana will drink your milkshake. He'll drink it up.

Ambitious, pernicious and delicious, the normally mild-mannered southpaw is a ruthless mound baron whenever his foot toes the rubber.

I have nothing further to add.

Show Me The Money

Kevin Sinfield won't be happy with this BBC Sport article.

World Club Challenge - Live

As Barnardo can't watch the game, I'll type in the highlights live. How kind am I?

It's pretty windy at Leeds, I assume this will lead to Stevo demanding someone drops the high bomb, however it also means he won't demand any one-pointers. What you gain on the swings...

Sweet Mr Ashley 'Ashley Klein, you're a Clown, Ashley Klein' Klein is officiating. Eddie will love that

3:42 (time elapsed) First recorded mention of Stevo talking up the 'huge bomb'

9:00 Going for pee

10:39 First use of the word momentum by Stevo

13:02 Second use of phrase 'huge bomb' by Stevo

17:21 What is the deal with this 'target angle' when a conversion is taking place. Melbourne's is 6 degrees. 6 degrees to what? I don't understand it at all. Isn't 6 degrees too narrow a gap? Someone explain it to me. He missed anyway, maybe it was 6 degrees.

19:31 Stevo refers to the NRL as 'one of the hardest competitions in the world'

I will now list all the professional Rugby League competitions in the world in no particular order

i) NRL
ii) Super League (Europe)

Fin

23:50 Do you remember during the test series in the winter when everyone was discussing how confused the Kiwis were at playing under International RL rules (i.e. RFL rules) not NRL rules. What rules are they playing under here? I know the differences are akin to nothing; I'm just intrigued is all.

24:56 Stevo claims that Melbourne are playing better in the horrific conditions because "they aren't called Storm for nothing". Interesting.

27:42 Eddie finally admits that perhaps the league is more important than this exhibition match

33:43 Phil and Stevo have their first disagreement. Phil is spot-on. The referee agrees with Stevo. Bad times

34:20 Eddie brings up Sam Burgess. No matter how many great players the Aussies produce "We've got Burgess". Eddie's big boy crush on Burgess is both embarrassing and irrelevant to this game.

38:50 Conversion at 4 degrees? No fucking way, I'd say 45 was more reasonable. I am writing a letter to Sky in the morning

(HT bonus) Brian McClennan, doesn't he look and sound like a Kiwi John McClane? I am convinced by it. Anyway, Eddie says "He is on the brink of glory" with 40 minutes left and his team four points in front.

50:00 Sky News is showing "Harry on the Front Line" documentary. Although he wasn't really, was he? Fucking load of crap.

54:49 First flop and it is by Kevin Sinfield - sweet

60:00 Penalty, 9 degrees, even though it is bang in front. Someone has a laser pen and is pointing it as Kevin Sinfield's eye when he is taking the kick. How fucked up is that? Eddie and Stevo have a good intra-pennine bit of banter. Eddie accuses the perpetrator of being an Aussie, Stevo accuses said person of being Lancastrian.

65:20 Phil Clarke "Leeds rarely concede tries when they are 50 yards from their own try line". No fucking shit

68:33 Sweet, one-pointer by Sinfield. Stevo is so happy. It was probably the right move as well, even Tony Smith agrees.

73:05 Stevo trumpeting the importance of the one-pointer to Leeds. Apparently it is a 'comfort blanket'. I woud argue the try was more important.

80:00 Leeds won - I am not shocked

(FT Bonus) I looked at foxsports.com.au (who along with Channel 9 are the broadcasters of the game in Australia, and there is no mention of this result).

errr....that's it.

Bollocks, Literally

It's a leap year - cue ridiculous articles asking what you are going to do with this 'free' day.

BBC right on cue (albeit with a little help by quoting Steve Taylor, the author of Making Time: Why Time Seems to Pass at Different Speeds and How to Control It).

'...employers may be getting an extra unpaid day out of us. "But then in a sense," he adds, "they own us already. We give half our waking hours to them, voluntarily, and our time is our lives - we're literally giving ourselves away."...'

Does anyone else realise what leap-years are for? Emplyers are not getting an extra day out of us. I may write into the Institute of Directors claiming lazy employees are shirking off 1/4 off a day's work for normal years. I assume that leap-years are an employer led consiparcy and we'll be seeing plenty more leap-years fairly soon (2012 anyone?), those bastards will do anything to get an extra day out of me.

Also are we literally giving ourselves away? If we assume that what he is saying makes sense (and it is a big if) then do we lose all free will at work? Are we entering into some sort of servitude? Is work not a trade off so we can afford to do other things? Do I not voluntarily do this? Who does not in this country? If Mr Taylor knows of anyone who is doing this then please phone the proper authorities.

Meaningless Runs

Don't all runs count the same in the game of bases and balls?


Apparently not!

From high-fiving fans, to showboating after meaningless home runs, to arriving late at the ballpark more than a few times, Lastings Milledge certainly stirred things up during his brief stay with the Mets.

What the fuck???? How the fuck can a home run be meaningless? Surely they all count for at least one run, sometimes even more? It is the exact opposite of meaningless. I know show-boating is a bit shitty, but the guy did just score a fucking run (minimum). The best part of these 'Home-Runs' is that it costs zero outs, that's got to be a big help, especially so if you are losing by a few runs.

Fuck me people write crap

No Such Thing as a Straight Line

Boots 'n' All was on last night. Of all the magazine shows about Rugby League on Sky, Boots 'n' All is close to being one of my favourites.

When you have Eddie, Terry (pronounced Ter-reh), Phil and Stevo in a room talking for one hour without a match to guide them, it can get pretty ridiculous.

Phil was first up and had an email question from an annoyed man in Bradford. The crux of the issue is a lot of forward passes creeping into the game. Mr Bradford Man claims forward passes are being ignored by the refs and are ruining his enjoyment of the game. He can clearly see the ball being passed from behind one of the many white parallel lines and ending up in front of it, and he doesn't want it blamed on camera angles.

I have to agree with Mr Bradford Man, I watch a lot of games live and (mostly) on T.V. and it is one of the main things that get on my nerves, what does Phil think?

Phil, whilst talking with a wry smile on his face, announces in fact that these passes are "flat" and then questions in mock horror if they have changed the rules to outlaw this? Apparently you shouldn't look at the parallel lines as a pass can still be back if goes forward, it is all in the wrists and this is what you should be watching.

That doesn't make sense, how can a parallel line be misleading as to a forward pass? The only constant in the whole fucking eighty minutes is the markings on the pitch. It is the first thing that should guide you. I can, admittedly, almost see where he is coming from. He may be referring to the momentum rule, but he doesn't let on.

Phil Clarke also waxed lyrical when discussing a try saving tackle from a Hull KR player (the ginger one, really can not remember his name). He made a pretty awesome try saving body-check after a 45 yard gain from Warrington. It was cool and deserved to be shown on TV; I don't think it deserved praise though, as the reason they made 45 yards was because of his missed tackle in the first place. It comes down to this, do you want a shitty player who never gives up, or a good player who would never even contemplate running back 45 yards (but then he doesn't have to as he always makes the original play)? Me and Phil disagree on which one to pick.

Phil also disagress with the 'theory' that Wakefield lost to Quins because they were effectively playing with a pool of 14 players, instead of 17 (Wakefield lost three of their best players to injury early on). Apparently, you still have 13 on the pitch don't you?

The guy is a fucking genius, I assume teams will be rushing out to debunk this 'theory', they will play games with only 13 players, after all surely the interchange weakens things because you are putting on 'lesser' players? Makes sense.

Phil leaves and is replaced by Stevo, happy in the knowledge that I am banging my head against a brick wall. Stevo is quite good, he answers the question of whether Halifax will get a franchise (Hint: rhymes with go). However he did state that a decade ago Australian teams didn't care about the World Club Challenge a decade a go. Of course this isn't groundbreaking as it wasn't played a decade ago, no team would have taken it seriously.

It worried me that Sky had a piece on Halifax's application for a franchise. Does anyone believe they can do get a franchise? Why don't I apply for a franchise? At least i'm solvent! Is it really desirable that they get one? They are too close to Bradford, Huddersfield and Leeds to warrant any serious mass fan/TV interest. Also, they don't appear to be in rude financial health, sold their own stadium and now play in this half-finished masterpiece. Surely this is the sort of club that Rugby League should not have in the top-flight and at the very least discourage from thinking about it? Why are people encouraging them and congratulating them on their ambition? Madness!