BBC "News" ticker

Fin.

The BBC need to start taking this seriously

I just received an email from the BBC.  Whoever saw my complaint obviously decided to have a bit of fun.  

The response I received appears to be their standard response to complaints about Mr Brand and Mr Ross's actions; I was complaining about the BBC's actions!  I can only assume that my name has been added to the list of 27,000 idiots who are told by the red tops what is and is not acceptable.  

Touché BBC, touché; but be assured that this will not stand.

To really put the icing on the cake, the comedy genius who signed it off did so with a fake name:

Regards

Paul Kettle
BBC Complaints

This isn't over "Kettle", not by a long chalk.

The BBC

As you know, I'm no fan of the BBC but their actions in the last few days have been utterly incoherent.  As such I have written them a letter of complaint which I am now publishing here.  If any response is forthcoming I shall post that also.

Dear Sir/Madam,

Whilst checking the day's news on your "news" website, I noticed that Mr Russell Brand and Mr Jonathon Ross had been suspended from the BBC and that their respective shows will not be airing until "Manuel-gate" has been fully investigated.

Before I go on to ask a handful of questions about the substance of this matter I would first like to ask whether the above is an accurate picture of the situation.  Given the gigantic inaccuracies and bias in your news output it would be remiss of me to go accusing you of gross stupidity before checking whether you're merely guilty of the usual gross ineptitude and partisan outlook.

Now, on to the matter at hand.  I would very much like to listen to the Russell Brand radio show on Saturday evening.  As things stand it will not be airing.  To whom can I apply for a refund of this portion of my licence fee?

Secondly, I purchased my television licence under the impression that at the very least the Russell Brand show would not suddenly be taken off the air.  Given that this has not been the case I do wonder if it can be deemed a breach of contract on your part.  Could you please point me in the right direction of the appropriate public body to help me in this matter?

Thirdly, I would like to ask what the terms of Mr Brand and Mr Ross's contracts are with regards to suspensions and dismissals.  Clearly it would be inappropriate for a body such as the BBC to have either of these performers on contracts that cannot be cancelled outright in cases of gross misconduct- this could easily lead to a situation whereby the BBC is paying money to someone who it believes to be pernicious.

Fourthly I would like to ask quite what aspect of this situation warranted the suspension of the two gentlemen in question 11 days following the broadcast of the material (and, I believe, 13 days following the recording of it).  With this type of delay it is clear that either:

a) the substance of the events is not the problem or, 

b) the BBC is unable to deal with events that are substantively unacceptable within a reasonable period of time.

Which of these two is the case?

Assuming the answer to the above is a) I would like to know what outside of the substantive events could have caused the suspension.

Assuming the answer to the above question is b) I would like to ask how the BBC intends to rectify its inability to deal with substantively unacceptable events.  It seems to me that you've had 86 years in which to get this right and have failed in a rather comprehensive matter.  As such I would like to offer the services of my consultancy agency Alpha Dog Consulting Ltd in reforming the BBC into the organisation it ought to be.  I am happy to do this for free as long as you agree that the option of the BBC being totally disbanded remains on the table and is treated with an even hand.

These are all the questions that I have but I would just like to make one final comment.  The suspension of Mr Brand and Mr Ross from your programming is reprehensible, coming as it does at this late stage. Had you deemed the material unsuitable for broadcast at the time and suspended them that would be fine.  Had the material been broadcast and then the suspension taken place I would have no problem.  Waiting this long is merely kow-towing to the so-called moral majority, whipped, as they are, into an orgiastic frenzy of affected outrage by the mainstream media, of which you yourselves are a part.

Yours faithfully,

Bardardo Millionaire, PhD, MD

Why is Ortiz so happy?

Because he likes getting his face jizzed on.

Fin.

Why do I always have to be the one to point things like this out?

The BBC have a story with the headline:

Unpaid servant lived in cupboard

I'm going to go ahead and say it because I'm not sure anyone else has the stones- legally she was not unpaid. The benefit in kind of a warm place to live just happened to constitute all of her salary.

Charles 'The Franchise' Clarke

We all know Charles Clarke is a pro'. Alas his pro-ie-ness is not what I would like to post on today. The first piece of news on the BBC 'news' website today is to do with Charles Clarke. It is entitled:

Clarke issues fresh Brown warning

Is it just me who wishes that the above sentence had a comma between 'fresh' and 'Brown'?

An Open Letter to Phil Clarke

Dear Mr Clarke,


I am a long-time viewer, first-time writer. I have always considered you the most eloquent and well-reasoned of all Rugby League pundits.

However, I have been compelled to write to you after watching your latest appearance on the popular Sky Sports show 'Boots 'N' All'. Last night you remarked that performance in the National Leagues has improved "10 or 20 percent".

Now, as a true League fan, I fully understand what you mean and agree with you. However, a minor acquaintance of mine, Barnardo Millionaire, is convinced that you made up that particular stat and are, in his words, "chatting shit".

So, as a highly paid and respected pundit, I am sure you are willing to send us the fruits of your research to back up your claim. In order to shut up Dr Millionaire we will need the following.

i) A definition of how the 'performance' metric is calculated.
ii) A spreadsheet/pivot table of this year's 'performance' versus last years.
iii) Perhaps a small article explaining the differences between the two.

I look forward to your response.


Yours faithfully,


Dibbles