"Imagine there's no morons, it's easy if you try"

I have no problem with this story from the Evening Standard about polling for the Mayoral election. However, I came across it via the less-useless-than-expected Politics Home website.

Politics Home are linking to the story with the following headline:

Mayoral race could be decided on second preference votes

No fucking shit Politics Home. That is not news. In it's long and storied history (see posts labelled "Crackergate 2008" for more on the countless previous contests) the mayoral race has only ever been decided on second preference votes.

"We're the BBC and we adore being mocked"

Ahh BBC "News" it seems every day I have to correct some ridiculous piece of English or misinformation, even when I'm spending every waking hour further investigating Crackergate 2008.

This article contains a case in point.

The piece is about the use of the internet in the London Mayoral election. It contains the sentence:

In a close-run contest in which every vote will count, the prize might just go to the candidate who makes the best use of (the internet).

Now this is a close contest and while I am a scientist, I am not a politicial scientist. Having said that, I'm pretty sure that every vote counting is traditional in all UK elections (including ones for the histoic position of London Mayor).

The BNP are giving crypto-communist racist politics a bad name

I am stunned to my very core at the wonder that is this story from Andrew Gilligan of the London Evening Standard.

The story covers the BNP's party list for the upcoming Mayoral elections (which, in the wake of "Crackergate 2008: Whitey wins again", I find myself blogging about almost constantly). If I was to blog about everything in this article that I find amusing I would be here for a very long time.

I cannot stress this enough go read the whole article, it is a joyous thing.

We know we're in for something pretty amusing when we see the title:

BNP picks psychic and a gay porn director as candidates

Alas I will have to attach to the above (sic) as it seems to inconsistent in terms of tenses.

Anyway, it gets better and better.

Firstly, there is a little bit on the recent controversy where Mr Nick Eriksen (Scandinavian name) described rape as a myth. When this story emerged originally it was a little underreported as a result of the mainstream media being frightened of the BNP. Because of this, I only now become aware of this quote:

Some women are like gongs - they need to be struck regularly

Fabulous. Just fabulous.

Next up is Chris Forster (the name Forster has three distinct origins- English, German and Jewish). Mr Forster works as a full-time psychic. This however is not the only job he is qualified for:

He promotes himself as "the only qualified internal auditor and accountant working full-time as a psychic"

First of all- awesome. Secondly I am fucking glad I have never had to work anywhere near a psychic fucking auditor. That would be a right cunt.

Later in the article there are two other beautiful mentions of Herr Forster's occupation, first:

Mr Forster is also described as "the regular tarot and crystal ball reader on Sky TV's Mystic Challenge", a game show where three mystics try to divine a secret about a hidden mystery guest

This is only mildly amusing. Primarily I am excited out of my gourd about this game show. It might just be me, I've been known in the past to get over-excited about something others find to be odd or dull but this frankly sounds like the greatest game show in the history of the world.

The other mention of Mr Forstein's occupations is this:

(BNP mayoral candidate, Richard Barnbrook was) asked if Mr Forster had ever foreseen a time in his crystal ball when Britain had no ethnic minorities, he said: "No, I don't think so. He's married to a Chinese woman."

No further comment needed on that.

Two more things to mention. The article reveals that Richard Barnbrook once directed what is termed a "gay porn film". Mr Barnbrook doesn't think it should be thought of as a gay porn film however. As far as he's concerned HMS Discovery was:

A film dealing with sexuality; it was not porn

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

The final point, the one that really punches home everything you ever need to know about the BNP is this. Lawrence Rustem (Turkish name) is of half Turkish origin. According to one of his colleagues he is allowed in the party on what I can only imagine is some sort of technicality outlined in there constitution. Mr rustem is allowed in because:

He is only half a wog

Indeed.

Crackergate '08: Whitey wins again

Ladies and gentlemen, today is a great day. The first ever scoop on this blog.

Loyal readers will be aware of our long-running support for Winston McKenzie as mayor of London. Following comments made by Mr McKenzie I have done some research and have come up with startling results.

In order for this story to be best picked up by the mainstream media I will be laying it out step-by-step in this blog post and emailing the link to the big UK newspapers so they can pick it up and run with it.

In order to make it as accessible as possible I have given the controversy a name and designed a banner that media outlets are welcome to use (provided I am duly credited with its creation). I am also in search of theme music for it. The controvery is hereby dubbed:

© Barnardo Millionaire 2008

The full title is Crackergate '08: Whitey wins again

Now, listen up newspaper editors. The first directly elected London mayor came to office in 2000. The following is a pie chart to show the controversy in very simple terms:

As you can see from the above, not only has there been no black mayor of London, but all of the mayors have been non-black. this is a scandal of epic proportions given the storied and historic nature of this job.

Hope is at hand however. The following chart shows the political affiliation of the holder of the post:

I'm sure you all have come to the same conclusion as I. With one Labour candidate and one independent in the race, Winston McKenzie has a 50% chance of destroying this caucasian monopoly to the good of us all.

Winston McKenzie's candidacy for mayor? Priceless

Mr Winston McKenzie is an independent candidate for the post of Mayor of London. He is the brother of Duke McKenzie, former three-weight world boxing champion, a man who believes left-handed boxers are automatically disadvantaged due to their predisposition to cut more readily in a fight.

Our old friends BBC "News" have written a profile on Winston McKenzie as part of their coverage of the London Mayoral election. They have done the same for the other 9 candidates.

Mr McKenzie's is the only profile I have read thus far. This is because I can guess what the others stand for:

Boris Johnson- Conservative Party- Free markets, free people and lots of money
Ken Livingstone- Labour Party- Back-breaking taxation of every type imaginable. Less pigeons.
Brian Paddick- Liberal Democrats- Communism
Richard Barnbrook- British National Party- Racist Communism
Sian Berry- Green Party- Communist racism
Alan Craig- Christian People's Alliance- God

Mr McKenzie's profile contains some absolute gems. It notes that his MySpace describes him as:

Writer, keep-fit instructor, educational motivator and modern-day philanthropist

As you can well imagine, given that he and I are so similar I am now inclined to vote for him. He goes on to destroy that rapport:

They say it's impossible. They say it can't be done. The truth is, London will see its first ever black mayor. The history books of politics shall be re-written

I have scoured the record books and opinion pages as research on the above statement. I can confirm that Mr McKenzie is completely correct, there has never been a black mayor in the history of London.

This seems pretty outrageous so I looked into it further and did some of my own research. Do you realise that this comes out to a percentage of 0% of mayors of London being black? Damning stuff.

In my research however I did only find one person mentioning the impossiblity of a black mayor of London, to whit:

BBC "News" profile of Winston McKenzie

Finally, I went back and counted how many mayors of London there have been to illustrate the depth of this problem, I also researched these "history books of politics" to see just what Mr McKenzie has to overcome in this election:

Number of mayors > 0
Number of black mayors =<>Life of mayoralty of London = 95 (months)

Google results for history books of politics = (about) 12,700,00 (in only 0.23 seconds, imagine if it had searched for a whole second!)

Mr McKenzie has a lot of rewriting to do once this grave injustice against black Londoners across the globe and across time has been righted.