BBC "News" ticker

Fin.

The BBC need to start taking this seriously

I just received an email from the BBC.  Whoever saw my complaint obviously decided to have a bit of fun.  

The response I received appears to be their standard response to complaints about Mr Brand and Mr Ross's actions; I was complaining about the BBC's actions!  I can only assume that my name has been added to the list of 27,000 idiots who are told by the red tops what is and is not acceptable.  

Touché BBC, touché; but be assured that this will not stand.

To really put the icing on the cake, the comedy genius who signed it off did so with a fake name:

Regards

Paul Kettle
BBC Complaints

This isn't over "Kettle", not by a long chalk.

The BBC

As you know, I'm no fan of the BBC but their actions in the last few days have been utterly incoherent.  As such I have written them a letter of complaint which I am now publishing here.  If any response is forthcoming I shall post that also.

Dear Sir/Madam,

Whilst checking the day's news on your "news" website, I noticed that Mr Russell Brand and Mr Jonathon Ross had been suspended from the BBC and that their respective shows will not be airing until "Manuel-gate" has been fully investigated.

Before I go on to ask a handful of questions about the substance of this matter I would first like to ask whether the above is an accurate picture of the situation.  Given the gigantic inaccuracies and bias in your news output it would be remiss of me to go accusing you of gross stupidity before checking whether you're merely guilty of the usual gross ineptitude and partisan outlook.

Now, on to the matter at hand.  I would very much like to listen to the Russell Brand radio show on Saturday evening.  As things stand it will not be airing.  To whom can I apply for a refund of this portion of my licence fee?

Secondly, I purchased my television licence under the impression that at the very least the Russell Brand show would not suddenly be taken off the air.  Given that this has not been the case I do wonder if it can be deemed a breach of contract on your part.  Could you please point me in the right direction of the appropriate public body to help me in this matter?

Thirdly, I would like to ask what the terms of Mr Brand and Mr Ross's contracts are with regards to suspensions and dismissals.  Clearly it would be inappropriate for a body such as the BBC to have either of these performers on contracts that cannot be cancelled outright in cases of gross misconduct- this could easily lead to a situation whereby the BBC is paying money to someone who it believes to be pernicious.

Fourthly I would like to ask quite what aspect of this situation warranted the suspension of the two gentlemen in question 11 days following the broadcast of the material (and, I believe, 13 days following the recording of it).  With this type of delay it is clear that either:

a) the substance of the events is not the problem or, 

b) the BBC is unable to deal with events that are substantively unacceptable within a reasonable period of time.

Which of these two is the case?

Assuming the answer to the above is a) I would like to know what outside of the substantive events could have caused the suspension.

Assuming the answer to the above question is b) I would like to ask how the BBC intends to rectify its inability to deal with substantively unacceptable events.  It seems to me that you've had 86 years in which to get this right and have failed in a rather comprehensive matter.  As such I would like to offer the services of my consultancy agency Alpha Dog Consulting Ltd in reforming the BBC into the organisation it ought to be.  I am happy to do this for free as long as you agree that the option of the BBC being totally disbanded remains on the table and is treated with an even hand.

These are all the questions that I have but I would just like to make one final comment.  The suspension of Mr Brand and Mr Ross from your programming is reprehensible, coming as it does at this late stage. Had you deemed the material unsuitable for broadcast at the time and suspended them that would be fine.  Had the material been broadcast and then the suspension taken place I would have no problem.  Waiting this long is merely kow-towing to the so-called moral majority, whipped, as they are, into an orgiastic frenzy of affected outrage by the mainstream media, of which you yourselves are a part.

Yours faithfully,

Bardardo Millionaire, PhD, MD

Why is Ortiz so happy?

Because he likes getting his face jizzed on.

Fin.

Why do I always have to be the one to point things like this out?

The BBC have a story with the headline:

Unpaid servant lived in cupboard

I'm going to go ahead and say it because I'm not sure anyone else has the stones- legally she was not unpaid. The benefit in kind of a warm place to live just happened to constitute all of her salary.

Charles 'The Franchise' Clarke

We all know Charles Clarke is a pro'. Alas his pro-ie-ness is not what I would like to post on today. The first piece of news on the BBC 'news' website today is to do with Charles Clarke. It is entitled:

Clarke issues fresh Brown warning

Is it just me who wishes that the above sentence had a comma between 'fresh' and 'Brown'?

An Open Letter to Phil Clarke

Dear Mr Clarke,


I am a long-time viewer, first-time writer. I have always considered you the most eloquent and well-reasoned of all Rugby League pundits.

However, I have been compelled to write to you after watching your latest appearance on the popular Sky Sports show 'Boots 'N' All'. Last night you remarked that performance in the National Leagues has improved "10 or 20 percent".

Now, as a true League fan, I fully understand what you mean and agree with you. However, a minor acquaintance of mine, Barnardo Millionaire, is convinced that you made up that particular stat and are, in his words, "chatting shit".

So, as a highly paid and respected pundit, I am sure you are willing to send us the fruits of your research to back up your claim. In order to shut up Dr Millionaire we will need the following.

i) A definition of how the 'performance' metric is calculated.
ii) A spreadsheet/pivot table of this year's 'performance' versus last years.
iii) Perhaps a small article explaining the differences between the two.

I look forward to your response.


Yours faithfully,


Dibbles

More BS

So much shittiness, so little time

ESPN.com article on September in baseball.

WILL THIS METS-PHILLIES SAGA HAVE A DIFFERENT ENDING?

I don't know, probably.

Jayson Stark breaks it down for me

Here's the record of these teams in games decided after the sixth inning (meaning the score was tied after six, or the lead changed): Phillies 31-15, Mets 11-22. Nobody we've talked to thinks that stat is an aberration.
"One part of it, obviously, is the difference in bullpens," one scout said. "But the other part of it is heart. I love the Phillies' grit.

I can see how bullpens would make a difference, schedule and injuries to key players may make a bigger one. Obviously grit and heart the biggest.

I Call BS

Wilkin's Player Profiles

There is no way Cunningham weighs 'only' 16st. The man is a cube.

News Corp let me down again!

I've been worrying about the distinct lack of quality of Times leaders for a while. However the second paragraph in today's piece entitled

Australia: Dingoland

is particularly special

The trouble with wilderness, as they see it, is that when you get there, there is no there there.

I stopped reading after that. It's like they just don't care anymore.

Speaking of not caring anymore, the hand of Sky Sports has touched Steve Kirby, after Patel and Bopara last year, and Napier in the first half of this year. Steve Kirby has been touted for England after two good performances on TV.

During yesterday's game Nick Knight was thrilled about him and detailed to us how Steve Kirby is a quick learner and has obviously matured, but still has a few things to learn (hot to bowl a yorker, mix up his lengths etc.)

You would be forgiven for thinking Kirby was a 21 year old firebrand. But he is 31 in a month! He has played 98 first class games! What about that makes you think he has learnt anything? Why should he play for England? What has possessed Nick Knight?

Nick Knight also masturbated over Eoin Morgan and his "array of shots" (I'm pretty sure he can only play a really shitty pre-meditated sweep and nothing else). However I will let that pass as he is at least young.

N.B. I love Steve Kirby and his awesome ball-tampering ways, this is meant as a knock to Verity more than anything else.

Joy to the world...

Bopara is dropped. Hopefully that's the last we see of that talentless little piss stain.

That is all.

Sophie's Choice '08: America Decides

This update from the world of American politics; identikit Fox News woman (I can't tell them apart other than Edith Ann Tarbox) talking about polling for the election:

In the latest poll released after Sen. Joseph Biden was chosen as the VP nominee for the Democrats, Sen Barack Obama and Sen John McCain are literally neck-and-neck

I'm unsure if this is some sort of mating ritual or perhaps a prelude to some sort of fight to the death over the presidency. Either way, I'm not sure it matters as neither would manage a four year term without dying in office- they might as well finish each other off now (or at least in time for Gov. Huckabee to get the Republican nomination next week).

Getting it Right?

The DUP, yet again, are so close.


From their website:





Obviously their commitment to accuracy only goes so far. Apostrophes are a tool of papal authority, or something, and are absent from the party's website.

And the winner is...no one

No one indeed. For the 29,811th day in a row, we are all losers.

The BBC are at it again. At least this time their amateurism fits in- it's the Olympics.

Two marvellous instances of what can only be described as retartdism this morning. First, the men's 100m freestyle final (that's two lengths of front crawl swimming to you and me). This link will take you to the iPlayer recording of the race.

This is the commentary 1.57 in:

Aiden (whoever he might be): He got it, well, [sarcastically] comfortably; by enough.
Commentator 2: By 11 one-hundredths, Aiden.
A: That's enough
C2: Miles
A: That's nearly a tenth

Speaks for itself. I will add nothing.

The other moron moment on the BBC this morning was that Scottish bint (I think she's called Hazel Irvine but I'm not totally sure) saying that someone was:

Literally hounded

I think she was wrong. They are however in Beijing so there's no way to be certain.

In Defence of Development Aid

I am the archetypal free-marketeer. I make no apologies for being right, never have done and never will do. However there is one area where I believe development aid and government intervention is in my best interests.

Northern cities 'beyond revival'

This think-tank tells a familiar tale, and I think we are all aware that development money fails in its initial goal. I don't think after 25 years of 're-development' Liverpool (as an example) is any more livable or has many more opportunities than before. Most of these are structural, the things that made Liverpool grow simply no longer exist, pumping in random amounts of money isn't going to help that.

On a simple free-market basis you can claim therefore that people should be told the facts and encourage them to move to the South-East.

This is where I have a problem, people do know the facts. Myself and many like me have already moved to London from relatively depressed areas to seek out opportunities. The people who do this are usually educated and ambitious (I'm excluding myself from these criteria). So what's left in Liverpool and cities like it? Functional illiterates and crack-addicts? Why would I want them down here, never mind encourage them to make the move?

My argument therefore is that the North acts like a giant open-prison but at a mere fraction of the cost (Nothing is worth nicking up there anyway). If the population of Liverpool (436,100) moved down to London they would almost certainly wind up in prison, and it would cost £14,342,456,800 to house them all (at £32,888 p.a.). Regional development aid is a lot cheaper than that, and I haven't even started on Manchester yet (anyone from Salford would be in a high-security unit).

I say, if they are happy up there away from us, and we are willing to save money on prisons to subsidise them then let's carry on (plus they bring a ready supply of me for our armed-forces).

Fancy a Laugh?

Oi! Dr Millionaire! Dibbles here, can I nominate Daily Mail readers for the prestigious "What a load of cunts!" award? Namely the morons who list comments on their fabled website?

I enjoyed this typical Daily Mail article.

You know the sort of thing, white elderly man bemoans falling standards. Good honest fare. However, what made the article for me were the 51 (and counting) comments also bemoaning falling standards in grammar and spelling in public life.

An example...

Anyone can make a mistook............., though not as many as the judges in their sentencing of the criminals.
- Dave, cambs, 12/8/2008 7:48.

The best one, of course, goes to my old friend of Charles Edward Taylor of Corby (and one presumes via Liberia).

I am astounded by the lack of simple skills in people who have jn many cases received higher education and in some, univarsity,the use of language is the only way of communicaring and should be presented correctly, Well done the Judge!.
- charles edward taylor, corby, northamptonshire, 12/8/2008 7:54

You could argue that 51 Mail readers have taken it on themselves to be highly amusing by littering every comment with spelling and grammatical errors. That, or Mail readers are stupid fucking cunts. I know which one sounds more plausible.

So do they win?

The first recipient of the "what a bunch of cunts" award

A lot of people really like the BBC. Old folks especially see it as a venerated, distinguished institution, a bit like the NHS (in that is outdated and quite literally worse than useless I suppose).

I was reading a piece on the climax of the final test against South Africa (quite what the fuck the final test is doing finishing on the 11th August is beyond me- astonoshing) and came across this paragraph:

Morne Morkel, who, like Forrest Gump, was revealed to be suffering from an injury to the buttock, was fast and hostile but mostly erratic.

What in the name of all that is good and holy is this shitty paragraph doing in a piece of so called professional journalism? Not only does a joke (and I can only assume it is a joke of some sort, despite being about as funny as the Holocaust) have absolutely no place here, I have shitted funnier things than that. I am being utterly literal. I have actually shitted things that are much more amusing than this piss poor exscuse for a piece of journalism.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I remind you that we are paying for someone to write this drivel thanks to the unique way the BBC is funded (i.e. the atavistic communist-style television tax).

What a bunch of dim-witted, cock-sucking, morose, up their own arse, public school, Trotskyite cunts they are.

Not News: Issue 3

You may very well be asking yourself "does Barnardo only ever read the BBC 'News' website for news and current affairs, it's all he ever seems to comment on?".

I can see where you're coming from. I do post predominantly about stories from the BBC 'News' website. This however does not represent the amount of time I spend reading the BBC site but rather the relative utter shittness of BBC 'News'.

One of the things that riles me most is when they report on things that do not constitute news, particularly when they proceed to put that 'news' in their ticker.

I am well riled. Have a look at this:



And this link to the story above.

I'm going to be totally honest with you, I haven't read this story. Instead of reading the latest news on kids being nasty to each other, I'm off to read about the stirrings of World War 3 over in Georgia or perhaps something to do with the human rights abuses of the host country of the Olympic Games, China.

Or maybe I'll just go and have a shit. Who knows?

Wristy

Has anyone else noticed that in cricket, being described as 'wristy' is a euphemism for being of Asian origin, and that you must automatically play spin well?

A great example from Cricinfo

Jonty is right, Hamla (I like to combine first initials with last names) is much 'wristier' than the others (closest one to him in wristiness is probably Ashwell Prince, but not really). He is also unlike any other SA batsman, probably because he is the first test batsman of Indian origin.

I'm sure Jonty has lots of wristy friends though.

I'll pick up some more examples later

Hello sample-size

Ahh, the BBC. This is about three Welsh Assembly Members (AMs) who have been raped (or as the BBC would have it 'raped', are they quoting or sceptical?).

A survey was sent to all 60 AM's by Plaid Cymru AM Nerys Evans. Eight responded. Of those who responded, three reported having been raped.

Even before any further information I would say that perhaps a response rate of 13% of the population in question is not enough to draw conclusions.

Ms Evans had comment to make:

[the survey result] just shows how widespread violence against women and domestic abuse is.

Absolutely, Ms Evans. This is conclusive proof that 37.5% of the population and 42.9% of women (for seven of the eight respondents were female) have been raped. I will now be quoting these figures in relation to sex crimes.

I don't disagree that the results seem surprising and I strongly suspect that they're not too out of whack with national statistics done in a 'rigorous' way (they ain't that rigorous, they're government stats) but there is no way in hell that any conclusion can be drawn from this survey.

Having said that, is it possible that only eight of the 60 AMs can read and write? it would explain a great deal.