Government Agency acts to cut price of tobacco

I'm very surprised to hear that OFT cares about 'price - coordination' in the cigarette market. If the industry is bumping up the price, why should anyone care? It should be bottom of the list of priorities. However, i digress.

What interested me were the statements in response to the allegations.

Imperial Tobacco said it "takes compliance with competition law very seriously and rejects any suggestion that it has acted in any way contrary to the interests of consumers".

and

Tesco said that "the OFT's investigation appears to centre on major tobacco companies. We do not believe that Tesco has acted in a way that has harmed consumers and we will make this clear to the OFT when we see the details of their allegations".

Don't strike me as particularly vehement denials, in fact I don't think they are denials at all. I'm sure this is usual in such cases.

Almost too good to be true. Almost.

Just when I said I didn't think BBC "News" were providing any ammunition today they surpass even themselves.

Following (as the Evening Standard put it) the "Brown retreat" of yesterday (10p tax rate etc), BBC "News" have put up an article about the art of the U-turn. They site President George Bush 41's famous "no more taxes" quote. There's a little bit of a factual error however:

We all know of course that not only did President Bush 41 not run for President in 1998 but there wasn't even a general that year, just mid-terms. Oops.

Anyway, I'm just off to point out to the BBC that they need to do a u-turn and correct the piece. Will post the correction to complete the BBC's embarrassment just as soon as the change has been made.

UPDATE: embarrassment complete:

Matt Dawson's View

... is insightful

Have your say

I really quite fancied writing a blog post today but found myself running short on material. even the usually (un)reliable BBC "News" let me down.

Then I decided to look at the BBC "News" "Have your say" page re today's teachers' strike. The first post?

I am a student at New College on a (sic) As level course, and i (sic) believe that the strike will not a (sic) effect (sic) me. Yes i (sic) do have exams in 3 weeks but its (sic) only one day. i (sic) doubt it will effect the outcome of my results (outcome of my results? sic). Pupils complaining that its (sic) 'morally Wrong (sic)' and its (sic) a "critical point in my education". If it bothers them that much do revision by themselves, do past exam questions. There are plenty of revision websites on the internet.
Joshua Egglestone, Durham

11 errors of spelling, punctuation and grammar in an 86 word (as Stevo would say) stanza (N.B. counting this as 86 words includes giving him credit for spelling his own name and home town correctly- genorous, if anything).

Joshua, I think you need all the teaching you can get in the next three weeks, you seem to be some sort of moron.

I began losing the will to live at this stage and did give some consideration to taking my eyes out with a Pret a Manger red plastic spoon. Instead I read on and came across this beauty:

Why is everyone talking about how much teachers earn? I thought the strike was over the effect pay cut they are getting because inflation exceeds their basic pay rise by a significant amount?
Pete, Hadleigh

I'm glad I continued reading. Pete, you're right. The amount teachers earn and the amount they get paid following their pay rise are independent variables.

Someone tell the NUT, Pete from Hadleigh's blown this situation right out of the water.

Proctor-ologist Report

Scotty, Scotty, Scotty.

You've only made two appearances in the last week and your ERA has gone up to 9! Obviously you are no longer Torre's favourite. Still there is plenty of time for you to pick up the pieces and reclaim your title as chief bitch. Torre isn't too picky, after you were traded last season he relied on Farnsworth (a man who apparently throws behind people's heads by accident).

However, the man who has a face so beautiful it could stop a clock has not picked on my man Broxton either, what the fuck is going on?

I'll get to the bottom of this. I refuse to accept he is sharing the workload around in an appropriate manner. Stay tuned fans of serious career-threatening injuries! I will find an answer!

NHS Problems due to Heartless Machines

Claire Rayner knows the problem with socialised medicine

There were certainly no computers and monitoring machines, however useful.

But what nurses had mattered even more — for these machines do their work without heart.

Heartless machines! She doesn't expand on the many problems with heartless machines, I imagine they are many though.

Furthermore the standard of Nurses is slipping!

She [Matron] interviewed every applicant — investigating her attitudes, morals, intelligence and performance at matriculation (yesterday's GCSEs and A-levels) without putting them before such qualities as patience and kindness. Now all a would-be student needs is the requisite A-levels for university.

I would like to put my hand up and say I would rather someone was trained to a high standard than was kind, kindness won't resuscitate me if I lose consciousness etc. etc.

Oh well

Morons: Have your say!

I love the BBC.

Why are they trying to get angry comments from angry people? Amusement? Wagers?Whatever the reason Lorraine from Southampton wades in on the prickly issue of 10p tax

As a 44 year old single parent who works full time but has to claim Working Tax Credit to survive, I have been striving to improve my situation by getting re educated inorder to get a better job. Whats the point, I'm penalised every step of the way. I will never earn the kind of money that will enable me to live without claiming benefit! Call this a labour government....must be joking, they have lost my vote. Don't think I'll vote for anyone again, no one ever benefits me!

First of all I would ask for my money back from all this 'reeducation'.

Secondly, how is she being penalised? By having a tax credit? I don't understand. Seems like she is getting plenty of benefits.

Neil from Basingstoke agrees with her though.

For somebody, alledgedly, so financially astute, Mr Brown can be extremely slow... To abolish the 10p tax band and penalise the lowest earners, when we currently have so many people being paid obscene salaries and bonuses, is both cowardly and arrogant - and yet so typical of New Labour. Why not levy a super tax band of 70+p in the £ for earnings over £1M a year, and be bold, instead of cosying up to the very people he is trying to favour. Maybe his auto-biography contract beckons !!!!!

Yes of course, levy a super-tax! No problems can occur can they? People who earn over a million will have no other option but to pay back they money they stole from us. That will show the bastards.

Anon from Anon solves the problem though.

It really is quite simple.If people who work for company cannot afford to live on the wage they are earning they should be able to sue the company for 10 times the wage of the CEO. Companies should pay their workers properly and a living wage. Of course its political suicide to - Oh hold on no it isn't business owners account for a very small % of the electorate. So no election risk whatsoever! Job DONE!

How many people will take on employees if you could sue them? I think Anon is mentally deficient.

Just like a Gordon Ramsey recipe - done!

"Imagine there's no morons, it's easy if you try"

I have no problem with this story from the Evening Standard about polling for the Mayoral election. However, I came across it via the less-useless-than-expected Politics Home website.

Politics Home are linking to the story with the following headline:

Mayoral race could be decided on second preference votes

No fucking shit Politics Home. That is not news. In it's long and storied history (see posts labelled "Crackergate 2008" for more on the countless previous contests) the mayoral race has only ever been decided on second preference votes.

Physicians, heal thyselves (if you can)

It's like shooting fish in a barrel (which is something I would be very interested to try- if anything I'd have thought you'd just end up with the barrel leaking water onto your feet- I digress) but I cannot resist.

All week I've been seeing news items about changes to consumer law that will affect (amongst a great many others) spiritual healers, mediums (is the plural here mediums or media?), psychics, tarot card readers etc. I've resisted up until now but it's the end of the week so I'm going to in order to give myself satisfaction and release I'm going to shoot all over them (the fish. In the barrel).

Reuters (much more fancy and reputable than that dirge over at BBC "News") have a piece about this entitled (and credit to them):

Psychics foresee big trouble over new laws

The main objection these folks wish to make, it would seem, is that the burden of proof that what they do is legit is now on them. Bascially they're saying that if they promise to heal someone they should actually have the ability to heal someone. Much like if I were to try and sell you The Ritz, I would first have to own it.

Carole McEntee-Taylor who co-founded the Spiritual Workers Association (a trade union for spiritualists and healers- if only two wrongs made a right) says:

By repealing the Act, the onus will go round the other way and we will have to prove we are genuine

Well done Caroline, didn't even need to heal your own brain to understand that one did you, you big retard?

She then says:

No other religion has to do that

Caroline, I don't know whether you're an excellent con artist or just a massive flid but there is little doubt that it's one or the other.

I know what you're thinking. What did that bastion of never ever completely missing the point, the British Humanist Association have to say about all this?

The psychic industry is huge and lucrative and it exploits some very vulnerable, and some very gullible, people with claims for which there is no scientific evidence

They may be morons but they're right this time. However I'm pretty sure that a lot of the time government takes action regardless of evidence.

Question of the Week

Front page on the New Yorker website. This question has been bothering me for years.

There's poetic licence and there's taking the piss

Cunningham fit?


Apparently...must have been the first time in 13 years

"We're the BBC and we adore being mocked"

Ahh BBC "News" it seems every day I have to correct some ridiculous piece of English or misinformation, even when I'm spending every waking hour further investigating Crackergate 2008.

This article contains a case in point.

The piece is about the use of the internet in the London Mayoral election. It contains the sentence:

In a close-run contest in which every vote will count, the prize might just go to the candidate who makes the best use of (the internet).

Now this is a close contest and while I am a scientist, I am not a politicial scientist. Having said that, I'm pretty sure that every vote counting is traditional in all UK elections (including ones for the histoic position of London Mayor).

Scott-Watch Update

Hi there Proctor fans,

Scott has been quiet of late, since his awesome 4 run/1 IP outing on the 7th of April he has only appeared twice for 2/3 and 1/3 inning (and with gaps between these and everything).

This is really hurting him, he is only projected to appear in 69 games this year as well (tee hee)

At least he is still tied for third in complete games in the NL. We'll always have that baby.

Bah, I'm depressed, white Mayors, Scott Procotr used sensibly, what's the world coming to? Unless Joe Torre has a new bitch? Of course, that must be it! These trends take a little time to filter through, but I have a feeling that Mr J. Broxton is about to pre-book TJ surgery for sometime late August.

Let me break it down for you Maury, this my thinking

Throws right-handed,

Throws a ton of strikes,

Promising future that can be horrifically curtailed by poor management,

Pitching one inning or more over consecutive evenings.

All I need know is an amusing title for Broxton Watch, watch this space...

The BNP are giving crypto-communist racist politics a bad name

I am stunned to my very core at the wonder that is this story from Andrew Gilligan of the London Evening Standard.

The story covers the BNP's party list for the upcoming Mayoral elections (which, in the wake of "Crackergate 2008: Whitey wins again", I find myself blogging about almost constantly). If I was to blog about everything in this article that I find amusing I would be here for a very long time.

I cannot stress this enough go read the whole article, it is a joyous thing.

We know we're in for something pretty amusing when we see the title:

BNP picks psychic and a gay porn director as candidates

Alas I will have to attach to the above (sic) as it seems to inconsistent in terms of tenses.

Anyway, it gets better and better.

Firstly, there is a little bit on the recent controversy where Mr Nick Eriksen (Scandinavian name) described rape as a myth. When this story emerged originally it was a little underreported as a result of the mainstream media being frightened of the BNP. Because of this, I only now become aware of this quote:

Some women are like gongs - they need to be struck regularly

Fabulous. Just fabulous.

Next up is Chris Forster (the name Forster has three distinct origins- English, German and Jewish). Mr Forster works as a full-time psychic. This however is not the only job he is qualified for:

He promotes himself as "the only qualified internal auditor and accountant working full-time as a psychic"

First of all- awesome. Secondly I am fucking glad I have never had to work anywhere near a psychic fucking auditor. That would be a right cunt.

Later in the article there are two other beautiful mentions of Herr Forster's occupation, first:

Mr Forster is also described as "the regular tarot and crystal ball reader on Sky TV's Mystic Challenge", a game show where three mystics try to divine a secret about a hidden mystery guest

This is only mildly amusing. Primarily I am excited out of my gourd about this game show. It might just be me, I've been known in the past to get over-excited about something others find to be odd or dull but this frankly sounds like the greatest game show in the history of the world.

The other mention of Mr Forstein's occupations is this:

(BNP mayoral candidate, Richard Barnbrook was) asked if Mr Forster had ever foreseen a time in his crystal ball when Britain had no ethnic minorities, he said: "No, I don't think so. He's married to a Chinese woman."

No further comment needed on that.

Two more things to mention. The article reveals that Richard Barnbrook once directed what is termed a "gay porn film". Mr Barnbrook doesn't think it should be thought of as a gay porn film however. As far as he's concerned HMS Discovery was:

A film dealing with sexuality; it was not porn

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

The final point, the one that really punches home everything you ever need to know about the BNP is this. Lawrence Rustem (Turkish name) is of half Turkish origin. According to one of his colleagues he is allowed in the party on what I can only imagine is some sort of technicality outlined in there constitution. Mr rustem is allowed in because:

He is only half a wog

Indeed.

"Brown says economy is sole focus"

That's right folks, it's another BBC "News" article.

The article says:

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has said he understands people's fears over the economy and insisted that keeping it on track was his "sole focus"

Being as it is that GB's sole focus is the economy I will now detail some things that he consequently is paying absolutely no attention to and does not care about:

The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan
Children being abused
His own sexuality
The ever-increasing tax burden in the UK
The ailing NHS
British soverignty being passed to the EU
Madeline McCann
The tragedy of Mark Speight
The closure of "Planet Pizza", Battersea High Street (no doubt as a result of Government policy)
Puppies
Crime
The Socialist running London and the raft of Communists running to replace him
Crimes against humanity (including genocide, rape as a weapon of war and Season 5 of The West Wing)
The television ownership levy (AKA Television Licence Fee)
My children (unborn)
His own children (dead and alive)
Climate change
Scott Proctor being destroyed by Joe Torre
Crackergate 2008
The war on drugs
The widespread mispronunciation of Clostridium Difficile

Gordon Brown is a despicable human being. QED.

Crackergate '08: Whitey wins again

Ladies and gentlemen, today is a great day. The first ever scoop on this blog.

Loyal readers will be aware of our long-running support for Winston McKenzie as mayor of London. Following comments made by Mr McKenzie I have done some research and have come up with startling results.

In order for this story to be best picked up by the mainstream media I will be laying it out step-by-step in this blog post and emailing the link to the big UK newspapers so they can pick it up and run with it.

In order to make it as accessible as possible I have given the controversy a name and designed a banner that media outlets are welcome to use (provided I am duly credited with its creation). I am also in search of theme music for it. The controvery is hereby dubbed:

© Barnardo Millionaire 2008

The full title is Crackergate '08: Whitey wins again

Now, listen up newspaper editors. The first directly elected London mayor came to office in 2000. The following is a pie chart to show the controversy in very simple terms:

As you can see from the above, not only has there been no black mayor of London, but all of the mayors have been non-black. this is a scandal of epic proportions given the storied and historic nature of this job.

Hope is at hand however. The following chart shows the political affiliation of the holder of the post:

I'm sure you all have come to the same conclusion as I. With one Labour candidate and one independent in the race, Winston McKenzie has a 50% chance of destroying this caucasian monopoly to the good of us all.

Winston McKenzie's candidacy for mayor? Priceless

Mr Winston McKenzie is an independent candidate for the post of Mayor of London. He is the brother of Duke McKenzie, former three-weight world boxing champion, a man who believes left-handed boxers are automatically disadvantaged due to their predisposition to cut more readily in a fight.

Our old friends BBC "News" have written a profile on Winston McKenzie as part of their coverage of the London Mayoral election. They have done the same for the other 9 candidates.

Mr McKenzie's is the only profile I have read thus far. This is because I can guess what the others stand for:

Boris Johnson- Conservative Party- Free markets, free people and lots of money
Ken Livingstone- Labour Party- Back-breaking taxation of every type imaginable. Less pigeons.
Brian Paddick- Liberal Democrats- Communism
Richard Barnbrook- British National Party- Racist Communism
Sian Berry- Green Party- Communist racism
Alan Craig- Christian People's Alliance- God

Mr McKenzie's profile contains some absolute gems. It notes that his MySpace describes him as:

Writer, keep-fit instructor, educational motivator and modern-day philanthropist

As you can well imagine, given that he and I are so similar I am now inclined to vote for him. He goes on to destroy that rapport:

They say it's impossible. They say it can't be done. The truth is, London will see its first ever black mayor. The history books of politics shall be re-written

I have scoured the record books and opinion pages as research on the above statement. I can confirm that Mr McKenzie is completely correct, there has never been a black mayor in the history of London.

This seems pretty outrageous so I looked into it further and did some of my own research. Do you realise that this comes out to a percentage of 0% of mayors of London being black? Damning stuff.

In my research however I did only find one person mentioning the impossiblity of a black mayor of London, to whit:

BBC "News" profile of Winston McKenzie

Finally, I went back and counted how many mayors of London there have been to illustrate the depth of this problem, I also researched these "history books of politics" to see just what Mr McKenzie has to overcome in this election:

Number of mayors > 0
Number of black mayors =<>Life of mayoralty of London = 95 (months)

Google results for history books of politics = (about) 12,700,00 (in only 0.23 seconds, imagine if it had searched for a whole second!)

Mr McKenzie has a lot of rewriting to do once this grave injustice against black Londoners across the globe and across time has been righted.

Sentence of the Year 2008

It's a bit early for nominations, however I did like this beauty from Cricinfo. I'll write it in its entirety, it's pretty long.


Or ageing.


I'm old school, I think that a sentence should have some sort of subject and hopefully a verb.

Let the nominations commence!

Snatch Agony

This has to be deliberate, bravo all the same to the fine person who edits the Daily Star. I assume Mercedes from Hollyoaks can sympathise as her sex-addiction story is prominently displayed next to it.

Proctor-ologist: Number 2

Joe Torre needs to pull his finger out if our Scotty is going to pitch a 100 game season, so far he has only pitched in four games leaving him a projected 93 for the year.

He did give up four earned runs with one inning of work last night though, I sense Torre may need to stop pitching him in consecutive nights.

Guts and Grit > Talent and Skill

Mick Cleary previews this weekend's big game between Ospreys and Saracens

Kris Chesney stays true to Saracens

If there is one reason why the odds might be overturned on Sunday and Saracens win through against the form side in Europe, then it has to reside in blokes like Chesney. Blokes with guts and grit. Blokes motivated by mateship and a common cause. Blokes who are not in awe of opponents or lured by bright lights.

Repeat ad naseam

I'll let the material speak for itself.

Triple Century, Meaningless?

Rob Steen certainly thinks so, he's titled his latest article

The greatest insignificant innings

The first test between South Africa and India ended in a pretty tame draw and the only exciting part was probably Sehwags triple ton. Was it an innings of any significance though?

Rob casts his beady eye over the result

Ultimately, though, its status is diminished, albeit through no fault of the maker, by the context, ie. its impact on the match result.

I would say Sehwag's triple ton DID have an effect on the match, as only he and Dravid scored some runs, India would be looking at a heavy defeat after SA put up 540 first up. I know it is possible that one of Laxman, Ganguly and Tendulkar might have got some runs if India were in a more precarious position, but how do we know that?

I can not see how replying to a massive 1st innings total and posting over half the runs by yourself in reply is anything but significant.

Fear not! Rob Steen has some examples of what a significant innings is though. I've picked the first one to compare.

Atherton's 185 at the Wandereres in 1995

Opening Batsman? - Yes!

Rearguard action preventing defeat? - Yes!

Scoring a big ton? - Yes!

Responsible for over 50% of your teams runs? - Yes!

Playing against a great SA pace attack? - Yes!

Completely fucking different, obviously Athers was more significant.


Triple tons against an attack containing the best pace bowler in the world? Insignificant?

Brown on curry

Gordon Brown is calling for more people to be trained to work in curry houses.

If it's so important, why doesn't he fuck off and do it, the stupid one-eyed Presbyterian cunt?

It's a bit nitpicky but that's never stopped me before

Calamity Clegg's sexual exploits are in the news. Usually when this is the case with a prominent politician we're in for some entertainment. In this case, it being the Lib Dems, it's the same as with other political parties but many times more wet and a great deal more irrelevant.

However, I was struck by this paragraph in the BBC "News" Article covering the story.

(Lembit Opik) told BBC Radio: "Nick Clegg is actually living evidence that you can be a human being and a party leader"

Well, yes. I'd kind of assumed it was a prerequisite. I suppose if the Frankenstein Bill gets through Parliament we might have Man Frogs and all sorts as party leaders.

Daily Mail disables spell-check and grammar-check

Ouch! Let this be a lesson to never free-style headlines, double-checking never hurts anyone.

Northern Rock

Apparently "Rock pledges to repay taxpayers".

Well that's fucking big of them. How very generous they are.

The Opening

I am very excited as Summer is here, Cricket starts next week and Baseball is already upon us. Life does not get any better than this.

Yahoo gives me this nugget of information

Mar 31 OF Ken Griffey Jr. participated in his 20th Opening Day. New manager Dusty Baker congratulated him before the game and said, "Dude, that's a long, long time."

Dusty only had an 18 year career in the bigs, so I guess this is news. For future reference I expect some gravitas from my quotes, something that adds something to the non-news! Or, if they are Dusty quotes, something about being aggressive and swinging at pitches in the dirt, that sort of thing.

Also I am starting a "poor Scott Proctor can't get away from Joe Torre and rest his hurting right elbow, what the hell does he have to do to get a day off?" thread. I'm calling it

The Proctor-ologist: Scottwatch '08*

1st edition: 1 game, 1/3 IP.

Straight to work against the Giants on opening day, I would like to have kept him going through a couple of innings, just to tire him out. He walked a guy and didn't sound inspiring, however if I know Torre (and I like to think that I do) then this is the first of many short and not-so short outings! Hurrah!

I'll keep on writing and encouraging his use out of the bull-pen until he surpasses his seminal 2006 of 83 appearances and 102 1/3 innings pitched. Truely crazy shit.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*NB: I have amended this from

Proctor's Proctor 2008, which wasn't funny. Therefore all careful consideration of new names is now closed.

Congratulations to Barnardo Millionaire, a signed Nick Knight photo from 1996 is in the post.